Snuffleupagus Strikes Again……and Again
Blame the economy?
The pricey gym Gwyneth Paltrow and trainer Tracey Anderson are opening this month in Tribeca may be having problems finding clients. A spy said Anderson – who’s also responsible for Madonna’s freakishly buff bod – and gym reps have been cold-calling people asking them to come in for a meeting. “It’s ridiculous,” said a person who was contacted. “Membership is like $4,500 to join and then hundreds of dollars a month. Who can afford that right now?”
Better yet, I’d like to know who in the hell is dumb enough to take training advice from someone who thinks there’s such a thing as an “inner bicep” muscle and names their children after pieces of fruit? I can only imagine what the sales pitch is like:
Random Patron: “Hi, I was thinking about joining your gym.”
Gwyneth Paltrow (GP): “Oh, you’ll love Snuffleupagus’ Tracy’s methods. She just has a way of figuring out how to make muscles do certain things. For example, she can make the rhomzipidus muscle shit jellybeans. It’s amazing. It’s kind of like magic. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think she was making stuff up. Hahahahaha”
Random Patron: “Um, okay. What else is included with the membership, it seems kind of expensive?”
GP: “Right, well, we offer various amenities. For starters, you get a free autographed Blu-ray of Shakespeare in Love. You also get a complimentary glass of cucumber water, a battery, and we also offer free childcare during your visit. My two little ones are there right now. Speaking of which, can you hold on a second………..
APPLE!!!! WATERMELON!!!!! If I have to come in there one more time, I swear to god I’m going to make your father sing to you till your ears bleed. Don’t think I won’t do it!”
As if opening an over-priced training studio wasn’t bad enough, a reader of my blog just sent me this link this morning from Dailymail.com:
Scarlett Johansson has enlisted the help of Gwyneth Paltrow’s personal trainer to shape up for her new film role.
The beautiful actress, who was once renowned for her hourglass curves, now does daily workouts with Gwyneth and fitness expert Tracy Anderson.
The Lost In Translation star has lost 14lbs – and at last month’s Moet & Chandon Tribute To Cinema party in London she was looking decidedly less voluptuous.
For those who missed it, let me repeat that last sentence……..SHE WAS LOOKING LESS VOLUPTUOUS. Goddamit Tracy Anderson!!!! It’s one thing to go out of your way to spread ridiculous myths like “no woman should ever lift a weight over 3 lbs,” and then try to populate this world with your army of Skeletors. That I can deal with. But when you start messing with Scarlett Johannson’s breasts, that’s where I draw the line. Why don’t you just spit on the American flag while you’re at it. I’ll take this to the United States Supreme Court if I have to. Someone get me Big Daddy Clarence Thomas on speed dial. This shit stops now.