New Gym Chain: Now You Can Look Just Like Skeletor, I Mean, Madonna

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I didn’t wake up this morning with anything in particular that I wanted to write about, so I thought I’d pass along a story that CP business director, Pete Dupuis, sent my way the other day with the email title, “your next blog.” It was like I was a moth being drawn to a flame – how could I not use it?


MEXICO CITY—Pop singer Madonna is opening a chain of fitness centers around the world to be known as Hard Candy Fitness global gyms.

Okay, I get it; for her age Madonna is a step above most. It’s a well known fact that she’s a health and fitness enthusiast, and it’s hard for me to knock anyone for that. At the end of the day, anything that keeps people motivated to move and get off their butts, is cool with me (even if I do disagree with the modality). You want to spend half your life on a treadmill, who am I to tell you otherwise?

But lets be honest here: Madonna has been clinging on to her youth with those Gollum arms for years now with Pilates, yoga, extreme dieting, witchcraft, and godknowswhat to pull it off. What’s more, in the past, she’s partnered with the likes of Tracy Anderson, who’s been quoted in the past as saying, among other things, “band work targets the deep part of the muscle,” (huh?). Needless to say, it doesn’t bode in her favor in terms of being a credible fitness authority.

Alas, here we are, at the brink of one of our generations greatest pop-icons opening up a chain of potentially ten gyms around the world (none of which will be in the U.S, what’s up with that?), presumably sending the message to women everywhere that what they need to do to in order to look like her is to dance for 4-5 hours per day, workout for another two hours per day (not lifting anything above three pounds, of course), hire a personal Japanese chef to travel with you everywhere you go, eat a carrot, and most important of all, drink the blood of a Unicorn. Under a rainbow. During a full lunar eclipse. Sounds simple enough.

Hard Candy Fitness will be a reflection of Madonna’s point of view and will reflect her input on every detail including music space, light and other design cues. Madonna’s touch will be everywhere.

Madonna’s “touch” will be everywhere? I think I just threw up a little in my mouth. So, who’s going to be able to afford this place?

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Plus, get a copy of Tony’s Pick Things Up, a quick-tip guide to everything deadlift-related. See his butt? Yeah. It’s good. You should probably listen to him if you have any hope of getting a butt that good.

I don’t share email information. Ever. Because I’m not a jerk.

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