Concept image of a business woman separate one wooden people from a groupCategoriesMotivational psychology

Why You Self Sabotage, and How to Stop It

Today’s guest post come courtesy of personal trainer, strength & conditioning coach, wellness coach, and owner of more certifications than anyone on Earth, Paul Levitin.

I’ve crossed paths with Paul several times throughout the years. He’s attended a workshop or two of mine and most recently we connected again at the Raise the Bar Conference down in Orlando, FL a few weekends ago.

We got to talking on a bevy of topics while down there and he expressed some interest in writing a guest post for my site on self-sabotage.

Not a light topic by any stretch, but I think you’ll enjoy his writing style. I know I learned a few things!

Enjoy.

Concept image of a business woman separate one wooden people from a group

Why You Self Sabotage, and How to Stop It

“…Hey you.

You, yeah I’m talking to you…

Why do you keep doing that?

That thing you do… where you say you’re gonna do something, but don’t? Where you talk yourself out of things, give up before you get a result, or commit to obligations you know you can’t fulfill? You keep getting in your own way! STOP IT!…”

That’s me, talking to myself in the mirror, after yet another in a long line of instances of not following through on my commitments, doing what I said I would to, or achieving my goals.

It doesn’t matter if we are talking about a diet, sticking to a workout program, building an online business, or literally anything else. 

Working out

When it comes to achieving goals, or rather NOT achieving them, it really boils down to one simple thing:

We get in our own way.

I say “we,” because this is an inherently human trait.

Since you are reading this, I can assume that you’re either a human, or an incredibly smart dog, monkey, or octopus, in which case, idk, maybe self-sabotage is a thing for you too. If my hunch is correct though, and you ARE a human, then the fact of the matter is, you have a tendency to self-sabotage (see, I’m doing it right now, talking about octopus in an article about self-sabotage!).

via GIPHY

We can make all of the excuses in the world, from lack of time, to not knowing where to start, to a million things in between.

If we are honest though, those are all the same. Different versions of self-sabotage.

  • Who controls your time?
  • Who controls what media you consume?
  • Who controls everything about you? 

(That’s not a trick question)

It’s YOU.

Therefore, if you aren’t getting your shit handled, it’s your fault.

YES, there can be external factors. YES some people have kids and jobs and families and pandemics and global economic crises. BLAH BLAH, I get it.

Those things are real, but they still don’t negate the one truth, the truthiest truth, that the only things you have control over in this life are yourself, your actions, and how you spend your time (to an extent). 

It may seem abrasive when put so bluntly, but trust me, I am not being judgmental. That’s why I started all of this by telling you a little of my own personal internal dialogue. A wise person once said, “the best research is actually me-search,” and let’s just say I’ve done a shit load of ME-search on the topic of self-sabotage.

I am the one who most holds ME back, and chances are, you are the one holding yourself back.

People don’t like to hear it. However, when we do hear it, we inherently usually (if begrudgingly) tend to admit this to be true, because well, it’s true. You can’t really argue against it (RIP my inbox, I know the keyboard warriors are coming for me).

Spartan warrior in the woods

There’s a keyboard somewhere in the background. Look closely. See it?1

I’ve spent this much time hammering this point because it is imperative that we get past this right out of the gate if we are to move forward. 

Now that we are on the same page, let me lay out three key mindset shifts that you MUST adopt if you want to have a chance in the battle of self-sabotage.

The First Key Is Acceptance

Acceptance lies at the root of all positive change. Acceptance of what is.

If I want to lose weight, I have to first accept that I am at a weight that I am unhappy, or otherwise uncomfortable at. I must accept that my decisions around food and activity up until this point have gotten me here.

If I want to build a successful fitness blog, I have to accept certain realities as well. I have to accept that I need to practice writing. I have to accept that an established blog like the one you’re reading this on, has a huge readership and trust that I don’t have yet, and that my clicks will pale in comparison.

I need to accept what IS, and what IS NOT.

What is a FACT.

Because, on the flip side of acceptance, is blame. Blaming others, blaming algorithms, blaming genetics. 

John Maxwell has a great quote on leadership that goes “we don’t solve problems that we didn’t create.” If you can pass the blame, pass the buck, you will also find reasons not to find the solution. 

So if you want to stop self-sabotage, and get out of your own way, it starts with accepting the realities of your current situation.

The Second Key Is to Set Better Goals

A big reason I’ve found myself, and my clients self-sabotaging in the past, is because we tend to work towards goals that don’t really matter.

When I say “don’t matter,” what I mean is, they don’t have a deep internalized meaning.

Sure you want to lose weight. Who doesn’t? If I had a magic wand and said I’d wave off a couple kilos of fat for you, pretty much everyone on the planet would take that deal. 

via GIPHY

But when you set a goal to lose weight, are you thinking about what it really means?

  • Why do you want to lose weight?
  • Is it truly for you?
  • Why 20lb, not 10, or 23?

Is it because you want it, or is it because society told you that you’re supposed to look a certain way?

When you have chest and arm day scheduled, but would rather sit and eat a bag of Cheetos, is that you being lazy, or do you have no real connection to the goal of having bigger pecs?

Who said that was the ideal physique?

(NOTE from TG: My wife would call this “should’ing on yourself.” I should look “x” way, I should follow this training split, I should watch Yellowjackets on Showtime. Stop should’ing on yourself.)

We understand that fitness is important, and movement and exercise are a conduit to that. But does that mean you have to bench press?

Maybe you’d be better served doing pilates twice a week, and dancing to Zumba with your kids during playtime?

Trying to force-feed yourself goals, because they are accepted as the “standard” seems smart on the surface. However, deep down, your subconscious mind is all “uh, fuck that noise. I don’t even want any of that result, so why would I put myself through the stress of doing the work?”

When there is no connection, you’ll find it very hard to stay motivated.

If instead you have goals that aren’t just arbitrary, and are actually built around you, and make you feel GOOD, and make you EXCITED to go out and do the work it will take to achieve them, then you’re setting yourself up for success.

Lastly…

The Third Key to Stop Self-Sabotage Dead in its Tracks, Is to Embrace Failure

The biggest, most pervasive form of self-sabotage, is undoubtedly perfectionism.

We want things to go well, we want everything to work out perfectly. We expect them to, and when they don’t, the little thought gremlins come in saying “well, no point now!” or “see, I knew we couldn’t do this!”

via GIPHY

This is the dieter who lets one meal off plan turn into a day, which turns into a weekend, into a “i’ll start next month.”

It’s the lifter who has five workouts scheduled, and when a life event causes him or her to miss three, decides the other two aren’t worth doing.

Logically, it’s easy to see why this fallacy holds us back. However once again, this stuff is human nature. This isn’t me or you, it’s just how our brains work.

To combat this, we must lean into failure. You have to understand that not only is failure probable, it is GUARANTEED. There is no world, no universe or time lines in all of Dr Strange’s multi-verse, where you are not going to fail.

It is as certain as the sun rising each morning, or as me clicking “I’m still watching” on netflix. There is no other way around it.

You cannot be perfect. You cannot be perfect.

YOU.

CANNOT.

BE.

PERFECT.

Once you accept that (hey, that’s key one, that’s a callback!), then you don’t have to be so afraid of failing anymore. You’ll be able to push yourself more, to try things that normally you might not (key 2), and most importantly, when you do fail, which you will, you won’t let it get you down, because you’ll remember that it’s all part of the process (key 3).

Get out of your own way, and there will be nothing else in the world that can stop you!

About the Author

Paul Levitin spent a decade as a personal trainer & strength and conditioning coach, becoming the number one trainer in his entire company, while collecting over 30 certificates (CES, CSCS, PRI, PN1, FRC, & many more).

Wanting to better serve his training clients, he began to study behavior change, and eventually became a Board Licensed Health & Wellness Coach (NBHWC). This led him to create his education and mindset coaching company “The Healthy Happy Human Academy,” where he now helps clients deal with things like self-sabotage and perfectionism, to allow them to build a healthy, happy life.

He seeks to bridge the gap between the worlds of fitness and nutrition, and the frustrated, overwhelmed masses who just want to move more, feel better, and live a little longer.

https://www.instagram.com/paullevitin/
The Healthy Happy Human Podcast
The Healthy Happy Human Academy FREE Facebook Group

 

Categoriespsychology

Self-Sabotage: No One Is Coming to Save You

Today’s guest post comes from good friend and TG.com regular contributor (albeit it’s been a minute), George Kalantzis.

We all have that negative voice inside our heads telling us we can’t do something or convincing us there’s no way to accomplish a goal.

  • I can’t lose 20 lbs, why even try?
  • There’s no way I can survive a CrossFit class.
  • Can I really pull off white after Labor Day?

There’s a myriad of examples in everyday life where we self-sabotage or talk ourselves out of doing something.

George helps to shed some light on the topic and to encourage use to cut the shit.

Copyright: gstockstudio / 123RF Stock Photo

Self-Sabotage: No One Is Coming to Save You

What would your life look like if there were no limits?

If the above question has you thinking about life from a different lens, then I did my job, and you do not have to read the rest of the article.

If life was only that easy- right?

But we both know you aren’t here for the easy way out, and Because Heavy Things Won’t Lift Themselves, let’s get warmed up for some heavy lifting, but not by using our god/goddess-like structures we’ve all sculpted during the quarantine.

Today, we are going to train using our brains.

Whatever challenge you face in life, asking the right kinds of questions can help you achieve massive breakthroughs. I’ve spent most of my life looking for answers until I went through a tough transition in life and discovered self-sabotage patterns and how my mind was holding me back from doing dope shit in life.

Self-sabotage exists for a reason.

It perceivably keeps us safe from our fears and prevents us from stepping outside our comfort zones. But if we can find ways to get past the voices holding us back, we can turn the impossible to possible, and limits become limitless.

What is Self-Sabotage

In a nutshell, self-sabotage occurs when a pattern of behaviors creates a conundrum of limiting beliefs that hold you back from achieving goals and stepping outside your comfort zone. When you embark on a self-discovery journey, whether through lifting heavy weights, running, yoga, or any other way to challenge your mind and body, patterns from your past sneak up in subtle ways and interfere with your growth.

It’s not your fault because your subconscious (the little voices in your head) creates templates throughout your life based on past experiences. Anytime you start to approach the edge of life you are used to, you mess up and revert to old routines.

(I did this a lot, and still, catch myself).

You might even be aware of this pattern, but you reject the thought and look for more answers. You try new things. You process information, and for some reason, never able to change. Self-sabotage has taken you hostage.

Maybe you are afraid of failure and give up on yourself. Or scared of rejection, and never stand up for what you value. Perhaps you are scared of what others think, and seek validation in all you do. While well-intended, the intention does not support unlocking the doors to do dope shit with your life.

How do you recognize self-sabotage and call yourself out before your limiting beliefs take over?

I wish I could say I had all the answers to those questions, and I’m willing to bet Lisa, Tony’s wife can help you with this area of life. But to keep things simple, let’s talk about some basics.

Note From TG: Lisa’s written a number of great articles on this site revolving around motivation and mindset. You can check them out HERE.

Also, you can visit her Instagram page (HERE) where she does a splendid job at interweaving fitness and psychology with her daily posts. Or, you can check out her website HERE. Finally, on an aside, she can likely beat me in an arm-wrestling match. She’s pretty jacked.

Because like heavy deadlifts help create a fantastic physique, acknowledging patterns of self-sabotage gives you the tools to break away from the limiting beliefs holding you back.

Let’s Pick Some Heavy Ass Weights Up!

To get started, you must call out these areas before you begin any transformation and catch them before the repeat in your life. Think of it as selecting specific exercises for a specified training session to hit a massive PR.

Every time you acknowledge and name the area in life, holding you back, you build a new set of skills to push past your comfort zone. Sure, you can skip this step and get amazing results, but eventually, the subtle signs of self-sabotage will catch up to you, and before you know it, you are right back where you started.

Possible areas holding you back:

Health. Money. Relationships. Sex. Happiness. Careers. Accomplishments. Family.

Standard methods of self-sabotage:

Procrastination. Perfectionism. Emotional eating. Undertraining. Overtraining. Impulsive spending. Busyness. Sleeping late. Constant tardiness. Temper issues. Anger issues.

These areas of life are ubiquitous, yet many of us have no clue how to overcome common obstacles because we become victims of the stories we tell ourselves.

  • I’m too old
  • I’m too fat
  • I’ll never be able to look like “x.”
  • I’ll never change
  • I’m not strong enough
  • I’ve always been like this
  • You fill in the blanks

The sad part is when we have beliefs like these, we hardly ever test our limits. Life at best becomes a chase, and we seek to find surface-level answers to problems deep-rooted from our past. When viewed from this perspective, self-sabotage makes sense.

We’re all under pressure from today’s world, forcing us to make quick decisions without ever taking a step back to ask more questions. The paradox in our chase for life is many of us are never satisfied because the things we think we want never align with our values.

Which brings me back to you, and my original question.

What would your life look like if there were no limits?

via GIPHY

(👆👆👆 Tony’s Editorial Contribution 👆👆👆)

I ask my clients this because it opens up doors for them to dope shit, not because it’s a dope question, but because questions like this demand, they choose a path in the face of uncertainty.

You are what you choose, and an uncomfortable truth many are not willing to face is we can never choose two things at the same time.

Or as the old English proverb says, you cant have your cake and eat it too.

The right kinds of questions can challenge you to see maybe you don’t know much about life, if anything. And the more invitations we give ourselves to ask better questions, the more we take full responsibility for our lives and punch our comfort zones in the kidneys.

Here is why this matters

The hardest part of any transformation is understanding what you want and value because without doing so, your brain will hunt for negativity in life. Psychologists refer to this concept as ” negativity bias: the idea that we’re always searching for negativity to see the dangers around us, but when we embark on a transformation of any kind, it doesn’t serve us well.

We all want to look good, feel good, have amazing relationships, and be happy. But no one ever wants to take full responsibility for the choices in life when we experience uncomfortable feelings associated with growth.

The truth is, nothing in life comes easy. You already know this, but because you focus on all the things you don’t want, you stay inside your comfort zone even if your comfort zone leaves you feeling depressed, burned out, exhausted, and resentful. When your behaviors and choices don’t match up with what you say you want, you’ll let self-sabotage ruin your entire life.

If you’re ready, I’d like to invite you beyond self-sabotage so you can go on to do dope shit in life.

How To Beat Self-Sabotage

Write down all the areas on your life holding you back, and the stories you continue to tell yourself. Notice how those stories make you feel and how often they prevent you from growth. The more honest you are, the more success you’ll have, changing them later on.

One of the biggest ones in my previous life was

“I am always broke…”

My story prevented me from saving money because I was afraid of my numbers and avoided them like the plague. This story made me feel like a failure, and I was in a constant state of financial stress.

After you acknowledge these beliefs and how they make you feel and hold you back, write down the opposite of this belief to help you prove this belief is not valid.

Self-Sabotage- I am always broke

New Story: I have never been honest with my numbers and have enough skills and experiences to live with abundance.

After you tell yourself a new belief, design a plan, and take action to prove to yourself you are worth the new life you say you want. Anytime you find yourself in a block, come back to the beliefs and write the opposite feeling holding you back. It will not be easy; you will get uncomfortable; change does not happen overnight. But the results will be worth the struggles.

Remember, the goal is not perfection, but consistency. You might not like what you discover in these exercises, but this is your life, and there is no time for fucking around if you want to go all-in on and doing dope shit.

About the Author

George Kalantzis is a coach, writer, and dad, committed to helping people do dope shit in their lives. He is a seasoned Marine Corps combat veteran with over ten years of experience coping with high-pressure and constantly changing environments.

He writes about tough transitions at www.theartoftoughtransitions.com.