Movie Review: The Martian

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Screw the conventional, formulaic approach to writing movie reviews.

You know those snazzy, buzzword filled headlines a lot of studios use from various magazine or newspaper reviewers to help promote their movie?

Examples include:

“4 Stars”

“Damon shines!”

“Best space drama since Apollo 13.”

Those are all fine and dandy, if not woefully lame. Here’s what mine would say:

The Martian is one hour and 44 minutes of Celias for your penis. I had a nerd boner the entire time. And, Damon shines.

Okay, okay…a bit crass. But I defy you to tell me you’re not 100% interested in going to see this movie now. And you should go see it. Because it very much is the best space drama (don’t worry, there still a bunch of action) since Apollo 13.

Based off the book written by author Andy Weir, it’s a miracle this book was ever published much less made into the latest Hollywood blockbuster starring Matt Damon and directed by Ridley mothereffing Scott.

The Martian was first published on Andy Weir’s blog…for free. Egged on by friends and fans of the story he then made the book available on Amazon which could then be downloaded for $1.

And it BLEW up from there.

The story follows astronaut, botanist, engineer, and seminal jokester, Mark Watney (Damon)1, as he attempts to “science the shit out of this planet” after a freak accident results in the rest of his crew leaving him behind thinking he was dead.


And so the story unfolds as we follow Mark as he tries to solve a congested number of life threatening issues including but not limited to lack of food, water, any semblance of communication with NASA, and an infinite amount of disco music at his disposal.

Much of the fun is watching him solve each thing with a fervorous “huh, so that’s how you’d grow potatoes on planet with no soil, water, and an average temperature of -81 degrees Fahrenheit” enthusiasm; cool!

Equally as thrilling is watching the higher ups at NASA – Jeff Daniels, Sean Bean (SPOILER ALERT: who’s character doesn’t die for once), Chiwetel Ejiofor, Mackenzie Davis, Kristen Wiig, et. al – debate on how to get him home.

Can they get him home?

And least we forget the crew back on the Hermes – Chastain, Kate Mara, Michael Pena, Aksel Hennie, and the Winter Soldier himself, Sebastian Stan – who, to no fault of their own, left Watney behind. What the hell is going on through their heads?

It’s smart. It’s set in space. It’s directed, masterfully, by Ridley Scott.

What else needs to be said?

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Plus, get a copy of Tony’s Pick Things Up, a quick-tip guide to everything deadlift-related. See his butt? Yeah. It’s good. You should probably listen to him if you have any hope of getting a butt that good.

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  1. Sounde eerily similar to another space themed movie starring Matt Damon as a space traveler marooned on a solitary planet alone. This is NOT Interstellar. Trust me.

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