The fitness/health community isn’t much different than every other community out there.
It’s just as “tribal” as the next.
There are factions who feel that heavy back squats cure everything (except herpes[footnote]But who really knows?[/footnote]) and that not including them in a program is sacrilegious and that it’s impossible to add muscle or get stronger without them.
And at the opposite end of the spectrum there are those who think if you even look at a barbell you’ll turn into He-Man.
The same dichotomy plays out in the nutrition realm as well. One week dietary fat is the enemy, and the next you’re the spawn of Satan if you offer someone a Diet Coke.
In both cases many are failing to recognize that the key to long-term progress, and progress that sticks, is the concept of focusing on PRINCIPLES.
In order to lose weight you need to elicit a caloric deficit. There are myriad ways to to do so.
In order to gain muscle you need to elicit progressive overload. Squats. There are myriad ways to do so.
In today’s guest post via Michigan based trainer, Alex McBrairty (whom you may recall from THIS spectacular read), he elaborates more on this concept.
The Future of Fitness: Principle Based Coaching vs. Plan Based Coaching
The fitness industry is failing.
After a decade of working as a fitness professional, I see firsthand how many of the most popular products and programs leave people worse off—with the only benefits going to the people selling the products and services.
But I believe this is changing.
Slowly, a new approach to fitness is emerging. It’s one based in sound reason, eliminating the need for marketing gimmicks and fads. It’s called principle-based coaching.
Principle-based fitness coaching uses practices and strategies informed by first principles—ideas, concepts, and information that we know to be objectively true. The most base layer knowledge; Ideas and insights from psychology, human physiology, nutrition, and exercise science.
It’s the type of information that most traditional fitness plans cherry-pick to sell their particular spin on fitness.
Paleo tries to limit processed foods.
Keto tries to limit carbohydrate intake.
In reality, both of these diets work because they limit calorie intake.
The first principle being applied in both cases is calorie management. To lose weight you need to eat fewer calories than you’re expending. Both of those diets approach this problem in a different, hyper-focused way.
This more traditional style of coaching is called plan-based fitness coaching. Plan-based coaching, as the name suggests, uses specific plans to help users see the intended results. The main pitfall of plan-based coaching is the extra leap these plans take to reach their conclusions.
Plan-based coaching takes the objective facts of first principles and then makes additional assumptions about them to reach different conclusions.
If calorie management is the first principle, a Paleo plan jumps to the conclusion that processed foods are the reason you overeat.
A Keto plan jumps to the conclusion that carbohydrates are the reason you overeat.
Plan-based coaches make unverified claims to leap from first principles to their principles.
This results in fitness plans that are rigid, inflexible, and disconnected.
For someone following a Paleo or Keto (or other) plan, there is a rigid structure for selecting which foods are “good” or “bad.” This leads to a lot of black and white thinking.
“Good” Paleo foods are unprocessed, whole foods that our caveman ancestors consumed before agriculture. “Bad” Paleo foods are foods we didn’t begin to consume until we began to grow our own crops, including anything processed and produced in the modern era.
“Good” Keto foods are foods that are low in carbohydrates. High-fat foods like butter, bacon, cheese, or red meat are green-lit. “Bad” Keto foods are anything with carbohydrates. Don’t even think about consuming bread or pasta. Even fruit is considered bad in the Keto plan.
In each of these plans there is no room for nuance. There is good and there is bad. Pick a side.
It’s because of this rigidity that these plans are inflexible and less effective for most people.
The plan pays no attention to the accessibility of the good foods. Say you want to follow a Paleo plan but live in a food desert, where access to fresh, natural foods is scarce or nonexistent. In this reality, how can you stick to the tenets of such a rigid diet?
Just try harder.
At least, that’s the prevailing advice. And it isn’t much help.
Imagine that you attend a dinner party where you’re excited to see your friends. The food offered is a spread of vegetables, a bit of meat, some potatoes, and a fruit pie for dessert. If you’re following a Keto plan, instead of enjoying the company of your friends and eating sensibly, you spend your evening upset that the only thing you can eat is the meat.
The specific rules of the diet force you into inflexible eating patterns, causing even more stress and deterioration in your relationship with food.
Because these plans are rigid and inflexible, they remain disconnected from the real lives of the people they attempt to serve.
They may be helpful for some individuals, but that list is very short. Plan-based coaching might help give people more direction and a clearer focus on how to achieve their goals, but it is a far cry from addressing the complexity of human lives.
Even worse, what happens if the assumptions of the plan are wrong?
What if cutting out carbohydrates leads to additional stress and strain in navigating our carb-rich world? You find yourself giving up your favorite foods, avoiding social events, and worrying about your diet all day, every day. What if, after all of that, you come to find that carbohydrates were not the real problem the whole time?
Would it have all been for nothing?
This isn’t just a risk of eliminating carbohydrates. It’s the inherent risk of following a plan that is rigid, inflexible, and disconnected. It’s the risk of any plan based on unverified claims, a plan not based in first principles.
Principle-based coaching results in a program that is adaptive, flexible, and integrative.
Unlike plan-based coaching, which builds on additional, unverified assumptions about what is true, principle-based coaching begins with all the base-layer information that is objectively true:
Ideas like calorie balance, progressive overload, and self-efficacy.
The principles allow coaches to evaluate what must be true in order to see results, and then gauge how the program can be adapted to the needs of the unique individual in front of them.
If two individuals need to improve their calorie management, the principle-based program does not limit one from enjoying carbohydrates while the other decides they’d prefer to eat fewer carbohydrates. Both can coexist and see great results.
Principle-based coaching does not put every individual in the same bucket, nor make the same assumptions about each.
This ability to mold the program specifics to the individual makes these programs adaptive.
Because the means of achieving the first principles is non-specific, they are also inherently flexible to changing circumstances.
If you live in a food desert, where access to fresh, natural foods is scarce or nonexistent, you are empowered to make alternative choices based on what’s available. Not only are you empowered to make these changes, but you can do so and see the same (if not better) level of success as following a rigid plan.
If individuals find themselves at a dinner party, a social event, or traveling across the country, they will be able to adjust the specifics of their plan—the particular foods they choose or the types of movement they do—in order to satisfy the first principles.
The ability to adjust strategy, without negatively impacting results, makes these programs flexible to changing life circumstances.
Since principle-based coaching adapts the program to the unique individual and inherently allows for flexibility in how to achieve optimal outcomes, these programs integrate very well into the lives of those who follow them.
No matter the goal or phase of life, because these programs are rooted in objective truths, they can be molded to meet the needs of the individual as those needs change over time.
Another advantage of the adaptability and flexibility of these programs is that they allow for greater adherence and consistency—two important variables for successful outcomes. Greater levels of adherence and consistency lead to better results, both in the short- and long-term.
Principle-based coaching allows individuals to integrate good behaviors into the fabric of their lives, ensuring permanent success.
Fitness programming began as a way to educate people on how to live healthier lives. As time went on, we began to realize it wasn’t working. As the fitness industry grew, so too did the obesity rates.
The solution was to begin making assumptions about what people were doing wrong.
That led to the plan-based model previously described. That model is the most pervasive model for fitness programming that we currently have. The result?
Obesity rates continue to climb.
As of 2018, over two-thirds of the U.S. Adult population was overweight or obese.
Clearly something isn’t working.
And that’s because education is not the problem.
Sure, most people could benefit from a little more information about healthy lifestyle practices, but not in the traditional way of what’s good versus bad. If we’re going to educate people, educate them in first principles.
Because what we need is more action.
We need people to learn how to practice healthier habits consistently, not sporadically. We need to eliminate the prejudice around good and “good enough.” We need to empower people to make change, even if their life circumstances are less than ideal.
We need fitness programs that are adaptive, flexible, and integrative.
We need principle-based fitness coaching.
About the Author
Alex McBrairty is an online fitness coach who owns A-Team Fitness in Ann Arbor, Michigan. Obese as a child and teenager, he blends fitness and psychology to help his clients discover their own hidden potential.
He has a bachelor’s degree in psychology from the University of Michigan and is certified by the National Academy of Sports Medicine.
His articles have appeared in Breaking Muscle and The Personal Trainer Development Center, and he’s contributed to Muscle & Fitness, USA Today, Men’s Fitness, and Prevention.
Venn diagrams can be a very useful tool to help illustrate the relationships amongst a finite group of things. Circles that overlap have a commonality while circles that don’t overlap do not share those traits.
Let’s use the fitness industry as an example.
“Success” as a fitness professional can be broken down like this:
LOL – Just kidding.
It’s actually more like this (overly simplified, of course, for brevity’s sake):
There’s no shortage of resources out there highlighting the stuff on the left. It only makes sense that a personal trainer knows how to coach a squat or that they can differentiate one’s ass from their acetabulum, and there’s an abyss of ways to gather and learn that information.
On the right side, however, things becomes a bit more convoluted. Those things are less talked about and as a result are harder to learn (much less appreciate their importance).
Today’s guest post by Michigan based fitness trainer, Alex McBrairty, highlights the right-hand side. I promise you that if you’re a fitness professional this information is relevant and will undoubtedly help you grow your business.
How the “Friendship Formula” Can Enhance Your Fitness Business
Clients work with coaches who they enjoy being around.
At the end of the day, most clients don’t know the difference between good advice and bad advice, but they can tell the difference between having a good experience or a bad one.
Providing a good experience boils down to being able to connect with your clients.
But do you know how to connect with clients in a meaningful way, one that shows them you care and have their best interests at heart? The purpose of this article is to help you understand the psychological foundations for connecting with others. This process involves more than small talk and having the courage to go out and meet others.
Fortunately, the art of human connection can be broken down into a relatively simple formula.
We’ll call it, “The Friendship Formula.”
There are three core components of this formula: familiarity, likability, and vulnerability. Each component fulfills a particular role, creating a feedback loop that allows the relationship to reinforce and strengthen over time. If you learn how to implement this process like any other system in your business, you can attract and sign more clients, improve retention rates, and build a thriving coaching business helping people.
Familiarity
In 1950, researchers studied the community life of a group of veterans living in the same housing complex [1]. The results they found were surprising. One of the best predictors of closeness between individuals was their physical proximity to one another.
This same effect was repeated in another study completed in 1967 measuring the social interactions and relationships among college freshmen sharing the same dorm. Physical proximity was again a strong predictor of the strength of closeness between students—roommates were most likely to become friends, followed by neighbors immediately next door, then neighbors down the hall, then lastly by neighbors on a separate floor [2].
Proximity Principle
The proximity principle is the idea that mere physical closeness increases interpersonal attraction. In other words, repeated physical exposure to the same people increases the likelihood that you will become friends. This is due in part to the mere exposure effect and the attribution of perceived similarities (more on this in a bit).
Mere Exposure Effect
Another psychological phenomenon that supports the benefit of physical proximity is the mere exposure effect. This states that we tend to prefer things that are more familiar to us.
Think of your favorite comfort foods.
Likely you consumed these foods often as a child, and it is this familiarity that creates your sense of comfort upon re-experiencing them.
Additionally, studies have shown that we even prefer words that we hear more often [3]. If the proximity principle sets you up for increased familiarity, the mere exposure effect comes in for the alley-oop to allow this familiarity to breed into increased positive emotions toward you. Combined, they set the stage for a new connection to blossom.
Christina Abbey, an online fitness coach, understands how to create this proximity and exposure on the gym floor. Whether she’s training clients, performing her own workouts, or just being available to socialize, she makes sure she is visible to other gym patrons.
As Abbey said, “People like what they are familiar with. If they constantly see you crushing your workouts and being a positive motivator to others, you will be the obvious choice when they’re ready to ask for help.”
The first step in creating new connections with other people is to ensure you are being repeatedly exposed to them. Being seen on the gym floor, attending parties and events they might also be attending, participating in similar activities, and being generally as visible as possible leads to this familiarity.
This could also include online visibility—via social media posts and interactions.
Andrew Coates, fitness coach, writer, and host of the “Lift Free and Diet Hard” podcast, is a big supporter of creating this familiarity via a strong social media presence. Coates suggests being consistent on your platform, following and interacting with your followers, and regularly sharing high-value content. Combining those elements creates a sense of “being around,” which can breed that familiarity with you and your work that can draw in potential clients.
Likability
The second component of creating new relationships is establishing likability. People won’t want to be around you, nor give you their money, unless they like you. Being liked is so important, in fact, that Dr. Robert Cialdini identified it as one of the six principles of persuasion in his book, Influence.
Note From Tony: I shoulda included a picture of the book Influence here, but decided on Gizmo instead; one of the most likable creatures ever. EVER!
There are two core concepts important to understanding how to create likability: similarity and reciprocity (another of those persuasion principles).
Perceived and Actual Similarities
The power of the proximity principle lies in our assumptions about others. When we come into frequent contact with the same people, we often assume we have more things in common than that which is immediately evident. These perceived similarities lead to a greater sense of liking.
This occurs for a few reasons.
First, we craft our own self-identity, at least in part, by those we choose to associate with. This is called social identity theory. If we maintain a particular view about who we are as a person, we are more likely to self-select individuals who support that view—people who hold similar interests, personality traits, and world views [5]. We like those similar to us because they prove that we are who we think we are.
The second factor that leads to our favorability toward similar others is that it makes the relationship easier to maintain. When we become friends with individuals who carry wildly different views, or behave in very different ways, it exposes us to a greater likelihood of potential conflict with these individuals.
For example, imagine a trainer who took a drill sergeant approach, and a client who responded best to positive affirmations.
These differences would increase the likelihood of conflicts arising in the future. The coach’s lack of positive regard actively discourages the client instead of giving them the push that the coach expects. Now the coach wrongfully believes the client is unmotivated, and the client believes that the coach simply doesn’t care enough to acknowledge them. Befriending those different from us exposes us to these potential disagreements.
Therefore, if you want to give yourself an edge in establishing bonds with new people, work to identify and reinforce any similarities that might exist. This could include values, hobbies, food preferences, even favorite book genres; the possibilities are endless.
Looking at Coates’ towering figure, you wouldn’t immediately know that he’s an avid fan of fantasy fiction, comic books, and video games. These hobbies allow him to connect with individuals who share those interests, even when they might have little else in common. As Coates put it, loving “nerd culture” before it was cool doesn’t always align with growing up active, so his shared interest in that material allows him to connect better with this audience.
Tony Gentilcore, CSCS, has worked with everyone from powerlifters, figure competitors, moms, CEOs of big companies, and everyone in between. Gentilcore takes a two-tiered approach to finding similarities with his clients.
The first is to focus on the fact that both he and his clients are there to get the best results possible for the client. In other words, they’re both playing for the same team. (This focus on teamwork can also help create shared experiences. More on that in a minute.)
His second strategy is to ask about movies. In fact, Gentilcore includes a question in his intake asking new clients to share their favorite movie. As he says, “It serves as a nice ice-breaker. And on the off-chance that there’s awkward silence at any point during one of their initial sessions, I can always bring it up: ‘So, John, Eyes Wide Shut huh? what’s your favorite scene?’”
Fidelio. Cue awkward silence.
Even if there aren’t any immediately identifiable similarities between you and another person, you can almost always find some sort of shared interest or aspect of your backgrounds if you dig deep enough. Let your natural curiosity take over and explore the interests of others.
Reciprocal Liking
We have an inherent need to both act fairly and be treated fairly. As a result, whenever someone does something for us, be it a favor or giving a gift, we have a tendency to want to repay the giver in kind. Usually this is completed through a favor completed at a later time or a gift given in exchange. This effect also extends to our relationships with others.
When it becomes clear that others like us, we feel compelled to reciprocate by liking them in return [4], a concept referred to as reciprocal liking. Therefore, if you want to create new relationships with others, start by showing your liking toward them. In exchange, they will likely take a more favorable view toward you and be more open to establishing a relationship.
One simple way to create reciprocal liking is to tell your clients explicitly and regularly that you appreciate their business and truly enjoy working with them. This approach has such a big pay-off that it’s astonishing more professionals don’t do it as a consistent part of their practice. (And if you don’t enjoy working with them, you have a different kind of problem and may need to reevaluate what you’re doing on a bigger scale.)
Even if you seemingly have nothing in common during your first interactions (you can’t readily find any similarities), let your curiosity take over.
The best way to demonstrate liking and be interesting is to be interested.
Inquire into their interests and other areas of pride. Ask meaningful questions that allow you to learn more about the individual whom you’d like to create a connection with. Surely, if you are truly curious, you will eventually find something you have in common. You might even create a new shared interest that didn’t exist before.
In fact, this is one of Abbey’s favorite parts of the job:
“It’s a unique experience to not only work with people from all walks of life but to build relationships and connect with them over time.” She admits that sometimes it’s harder to find these similar interests. In these situations, she uses as many clues as she can, “T-shirts can give you a huge insight about what people are into. Places they’ve been, events they attended, or bands they love. If you are really listening, then you’ll likely discover at least one thing you have in common.”
When Mike Doehla, founder of Stronger U Nutrition, started his company, he had no idea about entrepreneurship or running a business. Two of his early clients were involved in multiple businesses in his area, and through them he began to learn more about it.
Because of them, Doehla eventually made the decision to quit his day job and focus on building Stronger U full-time.
I guess you could say that was a good choice, given that Stronger U has now helped tens of thousands of clients across the globe. Doehla’s interest in entrepreneurship remains. He’s gone on to be involved in seven other businesses and constantly reads about the subject. His passion for entrepreneurship started because he wanted to learn more about his clients.
Being regularly visible to and present with those you’d like to befriend increases your familiarity to them, which, in turn, improves your likability and their potential desire to want to connect with you. Building on shared connections and expressing your genuine appreciation for your clients further enhances your likability.
Both of these factors are relatively superficial, however, and while important for initially establishing a relationship, by themselves they are not sufficient to cultivate deeper bonds. For that more enduring connection, you’ll need to create vulnerability in order to develop closeness and trust.
Vulnerability
Vulnerability is defined as a state of being that exposes us to the possibility of being hurt or harmed, either physically or emotionally.
Being vulnerable in a relationship involves sharing our biggest dreams, our deepest fears, our greatest joys and our worst pain. This act of complete openness is often avoided by so many simply because of the risks of this exposure. By giving this information to another person, we give them the power to do us harm.
Yet, while it may seem so hard to be vulnerable with another person—especially someone we don’t know very well—research has shown that this vulnerability is actually the key to creating deep, meaningful relationships with others [6].
The Power of Shared Experiences
Why does vulnerability do such an excellent job of bringing people together into meaningful relationships? At least part of the effect can be explained by concepts presented by Sebastian Junger in his book, Tribe (and his ideas are supported by prevailing research).
The connectedness created through vulnerability is established because we bond best through shared emotional experiences with others, both positive and negative [7,8]. The ability to identify these shared experiences—through the openness created from being vulnerable—is what allows the connectedness of the relationship to solidify.
Mike Doehla knows how important these shared experiences are. In his work, the topic of cancer comes up and causes quite a disruption in clients’ emotional state and focus. As Doehla put it, “The last thing on people’s minds after a cancer diagnosis, or death, is what they’re going to eat. I’m a pretty open dude, so I would share my story often.”
The story he’s referring to is about losing his mom to cancer when he was just 23 years old.
“When I lost my mom, nothing else mattered, especially eating well. I wanted my clients to understand I could relate, and I knew what was most important in that moment. And it wasn’t the food. It was the family and the feelings. In these situations, I would always make sure people knew I was here and I did not expect perfection of any kind. I was just a shoulder they could lean on who could help minimize extra stressors if they needed it.”
Gentilcore is unbashful when it comes to discussing his personal journey with mental health and how he still routinely speaks to a therapist on a monthly basis. He sees how society prides itself in our ability to bottle up and compartmentalize our thoughts and feelings, and his openness can sometimes take clients by surprise.
“I often bring up my past bouts with depression with clients (when appropriate), if for no other reason than to emphasize how helpful it was for me that I started seeing a therapist. My thought is that if I am open about my experiences, then maybe it’ll be enough of a nudge to encourage a client of mine to seek out help if he or she needs it.”
Not only does sharing their stories create a shared emotional experience between each of these trainers and their respective clients, but their clients likely feel heard and validated, too—the opposite of being judged. When you can express your humanity, your clients will feel valued and cared for.
There is no better customer service strategy.
Empathetic Balance
While vulnerability appears to be the most important factor in creating closeness with others, proper judgment should be used when deciding when it is appropriate to share these experiences and feelings. Creating shared experiences allows us to empathize with others—the ability to feel the emotions they feel.
This means we can feel the positive emotions expressed by others, but it also means we will experience the negative emotions, too. If you are overly sharing your negative experiences and feelings with others, it can have the opposite intended effect by causing others to avoid future social interactions with you because they don’t want to be drawn into your negative energy.
If you are constantly “dampening the mood,” others will seek to avoid your company.
Think about what happens when a client upsets this balance with their constant negativity. Abbey and Coates agree that if this negativity becomes too great, the best course of action is to refer out or otherwise get rid of the client. Doing so can protect your energy and allow you to be more positive toward the other clients in your care.
Imagine if the situation were reversed?
A trainer who brings too much negativity is going to repel clients.
It is important, then, to not only use vulnerability as a tool to deepen relationships, but also to balance negative openness with positive openness—sharing your dreams, aspirations, and joyful experiences in addition to your fears and bad experiences.
Strategic Vulnerability
When considering when to create these shared experiences using vulnerability, remember the two most important factors: relevancy and empathetic balance.
You should share moments of vulnerability as they become relevant to the conversation, seeking to balance positive and negative experiences. Additionally, make sure the conversation remains directed to your client.
Disordered eating is something that most people never seek professional help for. Knowing this, as soon as Abbey’s clients begin to show signs of disordered eating, she uses that moment to open up about her own struggles with disordered eating.
Her goal in sharing her experience is first to let them know that they are not alone and shouldn’t feel ashamed.
Additionally, it’s to help them feel validated and encouraged to seek help from a registered dietician as well as support from people they trust. Opening up about her own struggles is a very personal subject, but it opens the door to creating deep bonds with many of her clients.
It takes a certain level of bravery to open yourself up to someone else.
Your client may not always be the first to share.
You may find yourself being vulnerable without an immediate return of vulnerability from the other person. This is normal and may just mean they need more time to feel comfortable. Fortunately, this doesn’t necessarily mean your openness was in vain. Once you’ve experienced your first offering of vulnerability, you have introduced a newer, stronger level of familiarity—which will breed greater likability and future moments of vulnerability.
Bringing It All Together
You now have the tools to better connect with current and future clients. Yet, there is one imperative piece of the puzzle missing that you must supply: a genuine interest in wanting to connect with others.
Most people are very aware when someone is being fake, and faking any of these steps can lead to disaster. You must be genuinely curious about others and want to make a connection with them in a real, authentic way.
Also consider that once a connection is established, it requires work to maintain. You must continually traverse this loop so long as you want to prevent the relationship from going stale.
Think of close childhood friends whom you no longer visit frequently. You’ve likely been very familiar, liked, and vulnerable with them during periods of your life. Now that you’ve grown apart, the relationship is not as close as it once was. This can happen to any relationship, even those with the closest of friends and loved ones, let alone your clients, without the proper care and attention it deserves.
You can use this formula again and again to reach and connect with more people. With this knowledge, you are better prepared to build new relationships to boost your client roster and retention rates. Building strong relationships will inevitably lead to greater success in your business.
About the Author
Alex McBrairty is an online fitness coach who owns A-Team Fitness in Ann Arbor, Michigan. Obese as a child and teenager, he blends fitness and psychology to help his clients discover their own hidden potential.
He has a bachelor’s degree in psychology from the University of Michigan and is certified by the National Academy of Sports Medicine.
His articles have appeared in Breaking Muscle and The Personal Trainer Development Center, and he’s contributed to Muscle & Fitness, USA Today, Men’s Fitness, and Prevention.
I’m leaving for a much needed vacation this Friday.
My wife, Julian, and I are heading down to Florida for a week. I hate being hot and sandy, but I don’t care. I’ve been sequestered in this apartment for a full year and I just need a change of scenery.
Anywhere.
I’d settle for Mordor at this point.
But Florida it shall be.[footnote]Kinda the same thing, right?[/footnote]
Nonetheless, don’t be alarmed at the lack of content in the coming 10-14 days. I’ll still likely post some old stuff you may have missed the first time around (jerk).
Bye, I love you.
Copyright: conneldesign / 123RF Stock Photo
SOCIAL MEDIA SHENANIGANS
Twitter
People are routinely on the prowl for the perfect program. They’ll start one, only to flip the script two weeks later.
I’m here to tell you that CONSISTENCY is paramount. Stick to the plan and don’t waiver.
This was not a fitness related article in the least, but just a lovely and heartfelt piece of writing by my good friend Bryan discussing the passing of his dog, Maverick.
Today’s guest post from fitness/health coach, Alex McBrairty, will no doubt resonate with many people who read this site.
If you’re even remotely health/fitness conscious chances are, at some point in time, you’ve been the recipient of some shade (or even backlash) from friends and family members during your journey toward a healthier lifestyle.
They’ll often judge you or even sabotage your efforts.
What’s up with that? Shouldn’t it be obvious they’d be your closest source of support?
Your Friends Are Primed To Be Unsupportive of Your Health Goals. Here’s Why
Imagine this common scenario: You’ve made the decision to start a fitness plan. You know it’s going to require changing your eating and exercise habits. You’ve stocked healthy food in the house, you’ve been keeping to a regular workout routine, and you’re seeing noticeable changes.
Then your friends invite you out to eat with them.
You’re hesitant because you know it’ll be tough to stay on track, but you agree to go anyway. Once you arrive and sit down, your friends begin ordering cocktails.
You stick with water.
Then it begins.
You hear one of the following phrases:
“Come on, it’s just one night. Have fun with us!”
“You’re not as much fun since you’ve started this diet.”
You roll your eyes because it’s hard enough to say no to your old habits, and they aren’t making it any easier. Your friends roll their eyes because you aren’t participating in your usual behaviors.
This is a common experience for anyone beginning to make healthy lifestyle changes, and yet it’s still surprising. What makes our friends and family, those people closest to us and who care about our wellbeing the most, the ones most likely to try and sabotage us?
Birds of a Feather
Humans are social creatures. We are drawn to be part of groups for our survival—whether our ancestors needed to join a village to ensure their safety against predators and enemies, or we, as teenagers, needed a group of friends to ensure surviving high school.
Being a part of a group is a hard-wired human trait.
Being part of a group also is more than just a mechanism for survival.
As it turns out, our social habits play a large role in shaping how we view ourselves and our place within the world. Our sense of self, or self-identity, is created based on all of the experiences, interests, and accomplishments we have throughout our lives.
What comes to mind when you describe yourself to others?
Or when others describe you to another person?
Those are likely the things that help craft your self-identity.
For example, a large part of my self-identity is fitness. I exercise every day and have built a career in the fitness industry as a coach. I take a lot of interest in fitness, and it’s become a core part of my identity. Having a clear self-identity is important to help us navigate our place in the world. It helps us decide what activities to participate in and who to associate with.
Another large part of this self-identity is formed based on the social groups we join. Most often, people decide to join a social group because they believe themselves to be similar to the other members of the group. The friends who make up your social circle tend to be interested in the same things you are.
As members of groups with specific interests, behaviors and values, we reinforce or adopt these same qualities within ourselves. Our social identity, the part of our self-identity that we form based on the groups we join, helps us establish a large piece of who we are.
When our self-identity gets wrapped up in our social groups, we will also display what psychology researchers call “in-group favoritism”: we put our group above other groups.
This creates the “us vs. them” mentality frequently seen in social contexts.
One obvious example can be seen between two competing sports rivals. The fans of each team display a very clear “us vs. them” mentality in how they interact with one another: trash talking, disparaging comments, and clear dislike of the other team’s fans. This “us vs. them” mentality creates a shared bond between group members, signaling to everyone in the group that “you belong here.
By The Rules
Throughout our history of organizing into groups, we have always needed rules to ensure cooperation among members of the group. These rules reflect shared values and help establish a collective identity. Countries create formal rules by passing laws. We all have a sense of what it means to be American, just as citizens of Great Britain know what it means to be British.
These rules and shared values help us easily distinguish who are members of “our group” from those who are outsiders.
This isn’t just a quality of sovereign nations.
Groups of any size show evidence of this rule-setting behavior. Even your social network, your group of friends or your nuclear family, have established rules that group members are expected to follow.
In the case of your friend-group, you might have rules aimed at the types of clothes you wear or the types of activities you do together.
If my friends and I typically enjoy movies together, suggesting we go hiking would be wildly outside the boundary of what is expected. Similarly, during the holidays my family has a specific sequence of events that we follow. We eat dinner at a certain time, with much of the same traditional holiday food specific to my family.
Afterwards we open gifts, stopping halfway through for dessert. If I were to suggest we eat dessert immediately following dinner, or that we open gifts before dinner was ready, it would be violating the holiday rules my family has established.
Interestingly, within our social networks many of these group rules are implicit.
We don’t always consciously think about them. Usually, we adopt a certain way of behaving by observing how others act within the group. I don’t explicitly know that my friends don’t like hiking (maybe I do from prior experience), but I know not to ask because no one has shown interest in that before.
During the holidays, I don’t know how my family would react if I started opening gifts before dinner, because I’ve never seen anyone do it before. The absence of this behavior leads me to believe it’s probably not an appropriate thing to do.
These implicit group rules help reinforce the shared identity among group members. It also reinforces the difference between “in-group” members and “out-group” members. When I bring my girlfriend home for the first holiday, she doesn’t know what rules to follow and this makes it easy to identify her as an outsider of the family.
Every group that we’re a member of—country, state, social, professional, sports teams, etc.—has a specific set of rules that we adhere to in order to maintain our membership status.
Why Positive Change Gets Backlash
So back to the original question: Why do our friends and family not support our healthy lifestyle changes in a manner we expect?
These changes are good for us, after all, and as the people who care about us most, shouldn’t they be on board?
In some cases, we even find they are the ones sabotaging our progress!
It’s bad enough when we feel like our friends don’t support our goals. What’s even more peculiar is that we can often catch our friends giving praise and admiration to some other stranger, usually a celebrity or an acquaintance, for doing the exact same thing they just gave us grief about! Why are they quick to give a total stranger praise for doing the same thing they’re hassling us about?
What’s happening is a unique psychological phenomenon called the “Black Sheep Effect.”
This refers to a group’s tendency to more favorably view unlikable outsiders than unlikable insiders.
Let’s think about this in the context of everything we’ve learned about groups so far.
We join groups (our friends) because it helps establish or reinforce a part of our identity. Then, we create rules within the group to reinforce and protect this identity, creating a clear distinction between people outside our group from those within. Then, as an individual we decide to make healthy lifestyle changes that ultimately change how we behave in social situations.
Now we’re likely violating the implicit group rules and threatening the identity of the group. This results in backlash from our friends because we’re changing our habits.
It should start to become clear why this is happening. Your social group doesn’t want you to fail or to remain unhealthy. Everyone in the group has been socially programmed to protect the identity of the group, and your new behaviors are threatening that.
This is where the backlash comes from.
To explain why your friends can give praise to a stranger for doing the exact thing you’re doing, look to the Black Sheep Effect. The stranger making healthy lifestyle changes is violating your group rules (as an outsider), while you’re also violating the group rules (as an insider).
Your friends favor the outsider who breaks the rules more than the insider because the outsider is expected to break the rules. Imagine having something stolen from you by a stranger. Now imagine having something stolen from you by a close friend.
This second scenario stings a little more.
The Solution
Knowing why this is happening is the first step, but we ultimately want to be able to do something about it. It doesn’t feel good to be ridiculed like that. The changes themselves are hard enough to deal with, let alone subtle or not-so-subtle sabotage from people who should care about your well-being.
The first thing you should do is to make your goals clearly known to your group members.
If you want to go a step further, ask them to help keep you accountable.
By making it clearly known why the changes are happening, it gives your friends an explanation for why you’re deviating from the normal behaviors of the group. Additionally, by asking them for help in holding you accountable to these changes, you’re reinforcing the implicit group rule to help fellow group members.
Here’s how this Jedi-mind-trick works: we feel compelled to help our friends, but if we help them break the group rules then we’re also breaking the group rules. Now we have to justify to ourselves why it’s OK that we break the group rules.
This is cognitive dissonance in action.
Cognitive dissonance is the state of having inconsistent thoughts, beliefs and behaviors. We don’t feel good when our beliefs and our behaviors are misaligned. For example, if we eat junk food while believing that we shouldn’t be eating junk food, this creates an uncomfortable mental state.
To resolve this issue, we typically either reduce the importance of our belief or justify our actions. In the case of junk food, we might convince ourselves that we “earned” it as a reward for something. In the context of recruiting our friends to help us break group norms, if they believe that breaking the group rules are bad, but their actions are to help you break those very rules (because they’re following the rule of being a good friend), then they need to resolve this inconsistency.
The most likely way they’ll resolve this is to convince themselves that breaking the group rules for healthy changes isn’t all that bad.
Now you’re a modern-day Obi-Wan.
Once you’ve recruited your friends to help you succeed in meeting your goals, the next step is to be very consistent in your new behaviors.
The reason you’re getting backlash is because your behaviors are new and different from what’s been established. However, the more you participate in these new behaviors, the more they become normalized.
When I first began my fitness journey, I got a lot of backlash for my new exercise habits and how I ordered food at restaurants. Now, however, my friends and family don’t even bat an eyelash when I disappear to work out or order a salad when we’re out to eat. It’s just become a normal part of who I am. The more you perform the new behaviors and make them visible to your friends, the more your friends will get used to this new version of you.
The more normal it all becomes.
Putting It All Together
We join groups out of human nature, we stay because they help define us, and we dislike when group rules are broken. Your friends give you a hard time because changing your lifestyle breaks the rules that probably contributed to connecting with these people in the first place.
Fortunately, this backlash isn’t a personal attack, but is the result of their identity being threatened by your new choices.
To overcome this backlash, recruit these friends to help you reach your goals and stay consistent in these new behaviors until they become your new normal. Then the backlash ends, your friends become more accepting, and your healthy behaviors become a part of your new identity.
About the Author
Alex McBrairty owns A-Team Fitness in Ann Arbor, Michigan. Obese as a child and teenager, he blends fitness and psychology to help his clients discover their own hidden potential. He has a bachelor’s degree in psychology from the University of Michigan and is certified by the National Academy of Sports Medicine. His articles have appeared in Breaking Muscle and The Personal Trainer Development Center, and he’s contributed to USA Today, Men’s Fitness, Prevention, and SparkPeople.com.
