Like the majority of Americans today, I’m recovering from the manic depression that inevitably comes with paying our government 1/3 of my income. In fact, I’m so depressed about how much I owe “The Man” I may just stay at home today and watch an episode of One Tree Hill.
*45 minutes, and one pint of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream later*
Conclusion? Worst show about a hill. Ever.
Nevertheless, with this being tax day and all, I figured I’d brainstorm and conjure up some alternative reasons to tax people; albeit fitness related. I mean, if our local politicians (ahem, Mephistopheles State Representative Pam Richardson) can think of asinine ways to try to use our tax money (paying for illegal immigrants to vote, attain drivers licenses and apply for free tuition for example), I decided I could come up with some equally retarded reasons to tax people. Accept in my case, it’s perfectly logical.
Without any further ado, here’s my list. If any of the following pertains to you, payments can be made in the form of Kim Kardashian badonakadonk pics and/or Legos. Preferably pirate themed. Arrrrrrrrrrrrr.
Thou is Taxed If:
- You are ever caught training a perfectly healthy client on a BOSU ball.
- Your name is Tracy Anderson.
- You’re friends with Tracy Anderson.
- You’re ever in the same room as Tracy Anderson.
- You ruin a perfectly awesome educational video like the one below by placing some random dude in it for no apparent reason other than to make me hate you. See 0:57.
- You aren’t making some effort to work on tissue quality. Watch this video, get yourself a foam roller, and thank me later.
- You’re the type of person who goes on and on about how much you hate cottage cheese/veggies/oatmeal/fruit/or anything remotely healthy. Suck it up and eat it. The sooner you realize that you need to stop eating for convenience, the better off you’ll be.
- You squat in a Smith Machine. Worse still, if you’re a trainer and teach all your clients how to squat in a Smith Machine. Pure laziness in my opinion.
- You end up being the douchehole who leaves a comment below saying that the Smith Machine is a viable piece of equipment and that you’re sick of people bashing it.
- You aren’t taking your vitamin D.
- You still believe there’s such a thing as “power” yoga. Riiiigggggghhhhttttttt.
- You aren’t including at least some form of direct “core” training in your programming. Those who say all you need is to squat and/or deadlift are missing the boat entirely.
- Speaking of programming, An additional tax will be instituted if you’re using accomodating resistance (ie: chains, bands) and you can’t even perform a body-weight reverse lunge without falling over.
- You’re skipping breakfast. EPIC fail.
- You never have time to train, but for some reason, you were able to watch last night’s episode of Dancing with the Stars.
- You think that the Nintendo Wii is a viable form of exercise.
That’s all I can think of for now. I need to go lift heavy stuff. But feel free to add your two cents below…….
