Forget the more esoteric nuances of things like Heart Rate Variability, the efficacy of cold baths, or whether it’s better to follow a concurrent or linear periodization training program for best results.
For superior results in the weight-room I’d make the argument that the ONE thing many lifters fail to appreciate and understand is that easy training is goodtraining.
This past weekend I had the lovely experience of performing a rap battle presenting (alongside my wife) at the Raise the Bar Conference in Dallas, TX.
One of the key talking points I attempted to drive home during our talk was this idea that easy training is good training.
I love to explain it like this:
10% of your workouts you’re going to feel like Mick Jagger on cocaine. I.e., The weights will just fly up and you’ll make a run at a PR (or two).
10% of your workouts you’re going to feel like Mick Jagger the day after. I.e., You feel like you got run over by a Mack truck. I.e., warm-up weights feel like they’re cemented to the floor.
80% of your workouts are the ones where you go in and just do the work. You show up, get your reps in, and leave.
I’d argue for most people, most of the time, they should leave the gym wanting more. This is what 80% workouts are all about.
Don’t get me wrong: there’s a time and place for workouts and/or programs that exist solely to be ass-kickers and make you hate life:
Smolnov
German Volume Training
Sheiko
Anything involving a chain saw.
The thing to consider, though, and what many fail to recognize, is that programs like the ones mentioned above are designed to be done once a year (if that) and only for a fraction of time.
A small window of hell if you will.
They’re not designed to be done week in and week out for an extended length of time.
I mean heck, if you don’t believe me, take a deep dive into many of the most popular (strength) training programs of all-time (5/3/1, Juggernaut, Cube Method, any of Travis Mash’s programs). If you dissect any of them you’ll find the bulk of the work being done in those programs is in the 75-85% of 1RM territory.
Nothing hardcore or extreme to say the least.
It’s smart training, designed to ensure people feel fresh, recovered, and ready to attack every training session without, hopefully, all the bumps and bruises along the way.
In short: Focus on those 80% workouts. The ones you do on a random Thursday. Those are where you actually make progress over time.
Coming Soon – Strong Body, Strong Mind App
(The first app to combine BOTH strength training AND Mental Skills together from myself and Dr. Lisa Lewis)
Go HERE to learn more and be the first to know when it’s available.
I know. It’s not lost on me that I’ve been an abject failure on the “writing new content” side of things. If it’s any consolation I’ve also been lackluster on a few fronts:
Calling my mom.
Avoiding pizza.
Not (not) being jacked.
Hugs.
My free time has been monopolized by what can only be described as entrepreneurial shenanigans. That being said, this afternoon I have a few hours of free time and will be working on a new T-Nation article! That’s something, right?
RIGHT?
Nevertheless, thankfully I have a few people willing to pinch-write for me of late and to provide some excellent content for this site.
Today is another gem on “goal setting” via Paul Levitin I think will resonate with many of you reading.
It’s the motivational cliche to end all motivational cliches.
You’ve heard it before, hell, I’ve said it before.
There’s a lot of truth in that statement. It’s true most of the time. It’s true, except for when it’s not.
The unfortunate reality is, the only fundamental truth of life is that nothing is set in stone. The one rule that will always hold true, is that there are exceptions to every rule.
I do agree with the sentiment behind the “never quit, never give up” mentality. I love me a good David Goggins or Andy Frisella rant as much as the next guy.
It gets me going!
I mean, it’s just the truth.
Gonna be pretty hard for you to win a race, if you stop running before the finish line. It’s going to be pretty hard for you to be the past person standing in the battle, if you give up and sit down.
If you don’t quit, eventually, you will find success. “Consistency is key,” is a law that supersedes fitness, finance, relationships, and all life success in general.
But what about when it doesn’t?
If there are exceptions to every rule, that means that there are times where quitting is necessary. Not only is it not simply something you should avoid, but in reality, when the time calls for it, quitting is the only logical choice, and to keep pushing forward with a plan of action that ISN’T working, actually can be detrimental. You end up spending time, energy, possibly money and other resources, on something that even if “successful,” doesn’t get you the desired result.
In reality, it’s not “never quit! Quitters never win!” but more “Most of the time, quitters never win, and winners seldom quit. Except when they do, which isn’t as often, but it definitely happens, and is certainly worth mentioning.”
The latter just doesn’t quite roll off the tongue as nicely.
So never quit, except when you should. Giving up is bad, except for the times when it’s the smartest thing you can do.
The question is, how can you tell the difference?
Here are three key questions to ask yourself to know if you should soldier on, or give it up and move on to your next pursuit:
1. Is It Impossible, or Improbable?
Often, we confuse one for the other, but they certainly are not the same. Improbable can FEEL like impossible, but that doesn’t make it so. However, some things just are impossible, and no amount of wanting it not to be so, can make it that way.
For example, if I want to play basketball at a high level (not professionally, just becoming a good player), that would be hard. It would mean me, at the age of 32, picking up a sport I’ve never played, learning skills, building athleticism. Those are challenges, but if I am dedicated enough, and I put in the time, energy, and effort necessary, I invest, I get the coaching, I could see it happening.
It would probably take years, but it exists in the realm of possibility.
If however, I wanted to become a 6’7” jacked brick-house black man, and rename myself LeBron Levitin, I might be in for some disappointment. Even if I have been training for years already, fighting for an impossible goal doesn’t make it any more likely.
Sometimes when you set out for a goal, you don’t realize just how hard it’s going to be. Often you can’t, it takes diving in with both feet to really get the full magnitude of the experience. What comes next is usually a feeling of regret.
“Oh shit, what did I sign myself up for?”
“This is dumb, I can’t do this!”.
These feelings are natural, and the harder the endeavor, the faster they’ll come on, and the more intense they will be.
You don’t want to do hard things. No one does. Even if consciously you do, at a subconscious level, all living things have bred into one key desire: survival. At a purely biological level, anything that is hard for us to do, that makes us struggle, or really in any way uncomfortable, sets off alarms in our brain and body.
These alarms say “STOP THAT! Get to safety, quick.”
When you feel the desire to quit then, you have to be able to discern: am I wanting to quit because this goal is actually not ideal for me, or is it just hard?
The latter is your biological defenses coming in, and need to be disregarded in most circumstances.
Some goals though, just don’t work out.
Some projects that you start aren’t worth finishing.
That’s ok, as long as you are sure that you’re stopping because it’s actually going to benefit you in the long run, not because it’s hard or scary or uncomfortable.
3. Have I Given It Enough Time?
Time heals all wounds. Time is our most precious resource. I have father time tattooed on my forearm, because time is an infinitely interesting concept to me. We don’t want to waste time on things that aren’t beneficial, however it also takes time for things to play out, and for the trees of our labor to produce fruit.
If you’re thinking about quitting something, you need to be honest with yourself and ask: is this really not working, or have I simply not given it enough time.
If you’ve been doing a workout program for three weeks and not seeing your ripped abs yet, then chances are you just haven’t given it it’s fair shot, and you need to stick it out a little longer (shiny object syndrome anyone?).
If however you’ve been working on the same program for eight months with no results, and are thinking “maybe month nine is when the gains kick in!,” then it might be time for you to reevaluate.
Unfortunately, there is not one rule for how much time to give.
It matters what the goal is, and in what area of life.
If it’s a fitness goal, a few months is usually enough time to judge. But if it’s business, or a relationship, sometimes it can be years or more.
Refer to questions one and two and decide if it’s something worth sticking it out for. If it’s an impossible goal, or a goal that isn’t worth reaching even if you get there, then move on. If it’s just really freaking hard, like frustratingly hard, but you still think the goal is worth working for, then stick it out.
My point today is simple: you are not broken for wanting to give up or quit.
It’s human nature, and 100% of the time, it’s going to happen.
You can persevere, you can do hard things.
Sometimes though, the answer is to move on, and explore other opportunities. You don’t have to feel bad about it, and you definitely don’t have to just stick to things because “quitting is for losers!” Be honest with yourself, and be open to exploring the deeper questions of why you’re wanting to quit and move on, and I’m quite sure you’ll know what the right answer truly is.
About the Author
Paul Levitin spent a decade as a personal trainer & strength and conditioning coach, becoming the number one trainer in his entire company, while collecting over 30 certificates (CES, CSCS, PRI, PN1, FRC, & many more).
Wanting to better serve his training clients, he began to study behavior change, and eventually became a Board Licensed Health & Wellness Coach (NBHWC). This led him to create his education and mindset coaching company “The Healthy Happy Human Academy,” where he now helps clients deal with things like self-sabotage and perfectionism, to allow them to build a healthy, happy life.
He seeks to bridge the gap between the worlds of fitness and nutrition, and the frustrated, overwhelmed masses who just want to move more, feel better, and live a little longer.
Which is the more valuable skill to have as a coach or personal trainer:
The Nuts & Bolts (I.e., turning people into deadlifting Terminators)?
The Soft Skills (I.e., fostering “connection” with clients/athletes, as well as planting deeper seeds for improved motivation)?
Biceps (I.e., biceps)?
Okay, taking biceps out of the conversation (because that’s the right answer), I think both – nuts & bolts and soft skills – are equally important skills to have as a fitness professional. It’s silly to suggest one is better or more robust of a skill to possess over the other.
However, the soft skills is the part most fitness professionals gloss over.
And they shouldn’t.
Why the Soft Skills of Coaching Matter
The most obvious question out of the gate is:
“What are the nuts & bolts and what are the soft skills of coaching?”
Nuts & Bolts: Anything under the umbrella of assessment, program design, anatomy, technical understanding of exercise technique, or otherwise being able to execute a well-designed program effectively and without causing harm.
Soft Skills: The ability to communicate in a way that makes the athlete/client feel understood, supported, and excited.
This can include but is not limited to…exhibiting empathy, having time management skills, understanding the nuances and stages of motivation (intrinsic vs. extrinsic for example), being an attentive/active listener, as well as not being afraid to admit that Notting Hill is one of your favorite movies of all time.
Come at me, Bro!
Why am I even bothering bringing this up or going out of my way to make a distinction?
Well, the impetus stems from a Tweet I saw recently from another coach in the industry (who, admittedly, I don’t know well or have any relationship with):
I’m paraphrasing:
“All I see nowadays are people referring to the ‘soft skills’ of coaching.
Lame!
When did this become a thing? When did knowing how to write effective programming and then executing that programming not take precedence?
Just get your clients squatting.
#creatine.”
This is bull to the shit at best, and a woefully narrow-minded train of thought at worst.
Talk about lame.
If all it took to be a great and effective coach was knowing how to breakdown squat technique or being able to distinguish an acetabulum from an asshole (both of which, mind you, are important) we’d have a bunch of Brett Bartholemews, Nick Winklemans, Erica Sutters, Mark Fishers, and Molly Galbraiths walking around.
HINT: We don’t.
Effective coaching is a teeter-totter.
On one end you have the technical and more hands-on component(s), and on the other you have the you’re-not-working-with-robots-but-human-beings-component(s).
The idea isn’t to balance the two of course. A non-moving, stagnant, completely horizontal teeter-totter is never the goal, or that fun.
Conversely, we also don’t want a scenario where one end overwhelms or dominates the other. One end of the teeter-totter shouldn’t be cemented to the ground indefinitely.
That’s not fun either.
Think of it this way: Every individual will vary in terms of the amount of each “end” they need/require on a weekly basis (if not daily) in order to help them be successful.
Yes, writing coherent, well-thought out programs matching sets, reps, loads, and exercises to the needs, goals, and ability level of every client is important. As is being able to effectively coach those programs so people don’t hurt themselves.
But equally as important is understanding you’re not Leonidas leading 300 Spartan soldiers into battle.
Clients are intimidated by the weight room, sleep deprived, have sick kids, are stressed out, maybe have marital issues at home, lack competence, or, I don’t know, have a boss they’d like to kill with a stapler.
All of the above can affect one’s motivation and willingness to workout.
Coaching isn’t just about telling someone to suck it up and deadlift.
Every individual will vary in terms of what end of the teeter-totter will need to be prioritized in order to keep the darn thing moving up AND down.
For some it will indeed be the more tactical, hands-on elements of coaching. For others it’ll come down to having a simple, human conversation with them.
And this fluctuates all…the…time.
A good, effective coach understands the teeter-totter should always be moving.
Full Disclosure: This course was developed by my wife, Dr. Lisa Lewis so I’m a teeny-tiny bit biased. That said, she developed it in large part from my incessant insistence that the health/fitness industry NEEDED a resource like this. I’ve routinely leaned on her experience and expertise as a psychologist throughout my career in helping navigate my clients’ needs.
What stresses me out the most working with clients isn’t so much the x’s and o’s of program design or figuring out why their shoulder hurts.
Rather, for lack of a better way of putting it, it’s dealing with THEIR shit.
Psych Skills for Fitness Pros is the only resource specifically catered to personal trainers, strength & nutrition coaches, and manual therapists to help them develop better communication and motivational skills.
What’s more, it isn’t developed by someone who says they’re a “mindset coach” because (s)he read a book on motivational interviewing once. It’s developed by an ACTUAL doctor of psychology (who also happens to be diesel and likes tot lift heavy things).
The course can be completed in the comfort of your own home at your own pace, includes an abyss of information, case studies, and easily applicable concepts to make you a better coach, as well as includes interviews from some industry leaders like Mark Fisher, Molly Galbraith, Georgie Fear, Dean Somerset, Meghan Callaway, and myself on how we’ve used the same information to hone our coaching skills and to enhance our careers.
Plus you can earn CEUs via the NSCA and NASM.
Dr. Lewis only puts this course on sale sporadically and TODAY is the start of a new open enrollment window that will last one weeks 3/13).
BONUS: Anyone who purchases the course within the first 48 hours will receive access to a LIVE (group) consult with Dr. Lewis at a later date.
Today’s guest post come courtesy of personal trainer, strength & conditioning coach, wellness coach, and owner of more certifications than anyone on Earth, Paul Levitin.
I’ve crossed paths with Paul several times throughout the years. He’s attended a workshop or two of mine and most recently we connected again at the Raise the Bar Conference down in Orlando, FL a few weekends ago.
We got to talking on a bevy of topics while down there and he expressed some interest in writing a guest post for my site on self-sabotage.
Not a light topic by any stretch, but I think you’ll enjoy his writing style. I know I learned a few things!
Enjoy.
Why You Self Sabotage, and How to Stop It
“…Hey you.
You, yeah I’m talking to you…
Why do you keep doing that?
That thing you do… where you say you’re gonna do something, but don’t? Where you talk yourself out of things, give up before you get a result, or commit to obligations you know you can’t fulfill? You keep getting in your own way! STOP IT!…”
That’s me, talking to myself in the mirror, after yet another in a long line of instances of not following through on my commitments, doing what I said I would to, or achieving my goals.
It doesn’t matter if we are talking about a diet, sticking to a workout program, building an online business, or literally anything else.
When it comes to achieving goals, or rather NOT achieving them, it really boils down to one simple thing:
We get in our own way.
I say “we,” because this is an inherently human trait.
Since you are reading this, I can assume that you’re either a human, or an incredibly smart dog, monkey, or octopus, in which case, idk, maybe self-sabotage is a thing for you too. If my hunch is correct though, and you ARE a human, then the fact of the matter is, you have a tendency to self-sabotage (see, I’m doing it right now, talking about octopus in an article about self-sabotage!).
We can make all of the excuses in the world, from lack of time, to not knowing where to start, to a million things in between.
If we are honest though, those are all the same. Different versions of self-sabotage.
Who controls your time?
Who controls what media you consume?
Who controls everything about you?
(That’s not a trick question)
It’s YOU.
Therefore, if you aren’t getting your shit handled, it’s your fault.
YES, there can be external factors. YES some people have kids and jobs and families and pandemics and global economic crises. BLAH BLAH, I get it.
Those things are real, but they still don’t negate the one truth, the truthiest truth, that the only things you have control over in this life are yourself, your actions, and how you spend your time (to an extent).
It may seem abrasive when put so bluntly, but trust me, I am not being judgmental. That’s why I started all of this by telling you a little of my own personal internal dialogue. A wise person once said, “the best research is actually me-search,” and let’s just say I’ve done a shit load of ME-search on the topic of self-sabotage.
I am the one who most holds ME back, and chances are, you are the one holding yourself back.
People don’t like to hear it. However, when we do hear it, we inherently usually (if begrudgingly) tend to admit this to be true, because well, it’s true. You can’t really argue against it (RIP my inbox, I know the keyboard warriors are coming for me).
There’s a keyboard somewhere in the background. Look closely. See it?1
I’ve spent this much time hammering this point because it is imperative that we get past this right out of the gate if we are to move forward.
Now that we are on the same page, let me lay out three key mindset shifts that you MUST adopt if you want to have a chance in the battle of self-sabotage.
The First Key Is Acceptance
Acceptance lies at the root of all positive change. Acceptance of what is.
If I want to lose weight, I have to first accept that I am at a weight that I am unhappy, or otherwise uncomfortable at. I must accept that my decisions around food and activity up until this point have gotten me here.
If I want to build a successful fitness blog, I have to accept certain realities as well. I have to accept that I need to practice writing. I have to accept that an established blog like the one you’re reading this on, has a huge readership and trust that I don’t have yet, and that my clicks will pale in comparison.
I need to accept what IS, and what IS NOT.
What is a FACT.
Because, on the flip side of acceptance, is blame. Blaming others, blaming algorithms, blaming genetics.
John Maxwell has a great quote on leadership that goes “we don’t solve problems that we didn’t create.” If you can pass the blame, pass the buck, you will also find reasons not to find the solution.
So if you want to stop self-sabotage, and get out of your own way, it starts with accepting the realities of your current situation.
The Second Key Is to Set Better Goals
A big reason I’ve found myself, and my clients self-sabotaging in the past, is because we tend to work towards goals that don’t really matter.
When I say “don’t matter,” what I mean is, they don’t have a deep internalized meaning.
Sure you want to lose weight. Who doesn’t? If I had a magic wand and said I’d wave off a couple kilos of fat for you, pretty much everyone on the planet would take that deal.
But when you set a goal to lose weight, are you thinking about what it really means?
Why do you want to lose weight?
Is it truly for you?
Why 20lb, not 10, or 23?
Is it because you want it, or is it because society told you that you’re supposed to look a certain way?
When you have chest and arm day scheduled, but would rather sit and eat a bag of Cheetos, is that you being lazy, or do you have no real connection to the goal of having bigger pecs?
Who said that was the ideal physique?
(NOTE from TG: My wife would call this “should’ing on yourself.” I should look “x” way, I should follow this training split, I should watch Yellowjackets on Showtime. Stop should’ing on yourself.)
We understand that fitness is important, and movement and exercise are a conduit to that. But does that mean you have to bench press?
Maybe you’d be better served doing pilates twice a week, and dancing to Zumba with your kids during playtime?
Trying to force-feed yourself goals, because they are accepted as the “standard” seems smart on the surface. However, deep down, your subconscious mind is all “uh, fuck that noise. I don’t even want any of that result, so why would I put myself through the stress of doing the work?”
When there is no connection, you’ll find it very hard to stay motivated.
If instead you have goals that aren’t just arbitrary, and are actually built around you, and make you feel GOOD, and make you EXCITED to go out and do the work it will take to achieve them, then you’re setting yourself up for success.
Lastly…
The Third Key to Stop Self-Sabotage Dead in its Tracks, Is to Embrace Failure
The biggest, most pervasive form of self-sabotage, is undoubtedly perfectionism.
We want things to go well, we want everything to work out perfectly. We expect them to, and when they don’t, the little thought gremlins come in saying “well, no point now!” or “see, I knew we couldn’t do this!”
This is the dieter who lets one meal off plan turn into a day, which turns into a weekend, into a “i’ll start next month.”
It’s the lifter who has five workouts scheduled, and when a life event causes him or her to miss three, decides the other two aren’t worth doing.
Logically, it’s easy to see why this fallacy holds us back. However once again, this stuff is human nature. This isn’t me or you, it’s just how our brains work.
To combat this, we must lean into failure. You have to understand that not only is failure probable, it is GUARANTEED. There is no world, no universe or time lines in all of Dr Strange’s multi-verse, where you are not going to fail.
It is as certain as the sun rising each morning, or as me clicking “I’m still watching” on netflix. There is no other way around it.
You cannot be perfect. You cannot be perfect.
YOU.
CANNOT.
BE.
PERFECT.
Once you accept that (hey, that’s key one, that’s a callback!), then you don’t have to be so afraid of failing anymore. You’ll be able to push yourself more, to try things that normally you might not (key 2), and most importantly, when you do fail, which you will, you won’t let it get you down, because you’ll remember that it’s all part of the process (key 3).
Get out of your own way, and there will be nothing else in the world that can stop you!
About the Author
Paul Levitin spent a decade as a personal trainer & strength and conditioning coach, becoming the number one trainer in his entire company, while collecting over 30 certificates (CES, CSCS, PRI, PN1, FRC, & many more).
Wanting to better serve his training clients, he began to study behavior change, and eventually became a Board Licensed Health & Wellness Coach (NBHWC). This led him to create his education and mindset coaching company “The Healthy Happy Human Academy,” where he now helps clients deal with things like self-sabotage and perfectionism, to allow them to build a healthy, happy life.
He seeks to bridge the gap between the worlds of fitness and nutrition, and the frustrated, overwhelmed masses who just want to move more, feel better, and live a little longer.
Venn diagrams can be a very useful tool to help illustrate the relationships amongst a finite group of things. Circles that overlap have a commonality while circles that don’t overlap do not share those traits.
Let’s use the fitness industry as an example.
“Success” as a fitness professional can be broken down like this:
LOL – Just kidding.
It’s actually more like this (overly simplified, of course, for brevity’s sake):
There’s no shortage of resources out there highlighting the stuff on the left. It only makes sense that a personal trainer knows how to coach a squat or that they can differentiate one’s ass from their acetabulum, and there’s an abyss of ways to gather and learn that information.
On the right side, however, things becomes a bit more convoluted. Those things are less talked about and as a result are harder to learn (much less appreciate their importance).
Today’s guest post by Michigan based fitness trainer, Alex McBrairty, highlights the right-hand side. I promise you that if you’re a fitness professional this information is relevant and will undoubtedly help you grow your business.
How the “Friendship Formula” Can Enhance Your Fitness Business
Clients work with coaches who they enjoy being around.
At the end of the day, most clients don’t know the difference between good advice and bad advice, but they can tell the difference between having a good experience or a bad one.
Providing a good experience boils down to being able to connect with your clients.
But do you know how to connect with clients in a meaningful way, one that shows them you care and have their best interests at heart? The purpose of this article is to help you understand the psychological foundations for connecting with others. This process involves more than small talk and having the courage to go out and meet others.
Fortunately, the art of human connection can be broken down into a relatively simple formula.
We’ll call it, “The Friendship Formula.”
There are three core components of this formula: familiarity, likability, and vulnerability. Each component fulfills a particular role, creating a feedback loop that allows the relationship to reinforce and strengthen over time. If you learn how to implement this process like any other system in your business, you can attract and sign more clients, improve retention rates, and build a thriving coaching business helping people.
Familiarity
In 1950, researchers studied the community life of a group of veterans living in the same housing complex [1]. The results they found were surprising. One of the best predictors of closeness between individuals was their physical proximity to one another.
This same effect was repeated in another study completed in 1967 measuring the social interactions and relationships among college freshmen sharing the same dorm. Physical proximity was again a strong predictor of the strength of closeness between students—roommates were most likely to become friends, followed by neighbors immediately next door, then neighbors down the hall, then lastly by neighbors on a separate floor [2].
Proximity Principle
The proximity principle is the idea that mere physical closeness increases interpersonal attraction. In other words, repeated physical exposure to the same people increases the likelihood that you will become friends. This is due in part to the mere exposure effect and the attribution of perceived similarities (more on this in a bit).
Mere Exposure Effect
Another psychological phenomenon that supports the benefit of physical proximity is the mere exposure effect. This states that we tend to prefer things that are more familiar to us.
Think of your favorite comfort foods.
Likely you consumed these foods often as a child, and it is this familiarity that creates your sense of comfort upon re-experiencing them.
Additionally, studies have shown that we even prefer words that we hear more often [3]. If the proximity principle sets you up for increased familiarity, the mere exposure effect comes in for the alley-oop to allow this familiarity to breed into increased positive emotions toward you. Combined, they set the stage for a new connection to blossom.
Christina Abbey, an online fitness coach, understands how to create this proximity and exposure on the gym floor. Whether she’s training clients, performing her own workouts, or just being available to socialize, she makes sure she is visible to other gym patrons.
As Abbey said, “People like what they are familiar with. If they constantly see you crushing your workouts and being a positive motivator to others, you will be the obvious choice when they’re ready to ask for help.”
The first step in creating new connections with other people is to ensure you are being repeatedly exposed to them. Being seen on the gym floor, attending parties and events they might also be attending, participating in similar activities, and being generally as visible as possible leads to this familiarity.
This could also include online visibility—via social media posts and interactions.
Andrew Coates, fitness coach, writer, and host of the “Lift Free and Diet Hard” podcast, is a big supporter of creating this familiarity via a strong social media presence. Coates suggests being consistent on your platform, following and interacting with your followers, and regularly sharing high-value content. Combining those elements creates a sense of “being around,” which can breed that familiarity with you and your work that can draw in potential clients.
Likability
The second component of creating new relationships is establishing likability. People won’t want to be around you, nor give you their money, unless they like you. Being liked is so important, in fact, that Dr. Robert Cialdini identified it as one of the six principles of persuasion in his book, Influence.
Note From Tony: I shoulda included a picture of the book Influence here, but decided on Gizmo instead; one of the most likable creatures ever. EVER!
There are two core concepts important to understanding how to create likability: similarity and reciprocity (another of those persuasion principles).
Perceived and Actual Similarities
The power of the proximity principle lies in our assumptions about others. When we come into frequent contact with the same people, we often assume we have more things in common than that which is immediately evident. These perceived similarities lead to a greater sense of liking.
This occurs for a few reasons.
First, we craft our own self-identity, at least in part, by those we choose to associate with. This is called social identity theory. If we maintain a particular view about who we are as a person, we are more likely to self-select individuals who support that view—people who hold similar interests, personality traits, and world views [5]. We like those similar to us because they prove that we are who we think we are.
The second factor that leads to our favorability toward similar others is that it makes the relationship easier to maintain. When we become friends with individuals who carry wildly different views, or behave in very different ways, it exposes us to a greater likelihood of potential conflict with these individuals.
For example, imagine a trainer who took a drill sergeant approach, and a client who responded best to positive affirmations.
These differences would increase the likelihood of conflicts arising in the future. The coach’s lack of positive regard actively discourages the client instead of giving them the push that the coach expects. Now the coach wrongfully believes the client is unmotivated, and the client believes that the coach simply doesn’t care enough to acknowledge them. Befriending those different from us exposes us to these potential disagreements.
Therefore, if you want to give yourself an edge in establishing bonds with new people, work to identify and reinforce any similarities that might exist. This could include values, hobbies, food preferences, even favorite book genres; the possibilities are endless.
Looking at Coates’ towering figure, you wouldn’t immediately know that he’s an avid fan of fantasy fiction, comic books, and video games. These hobbies allow him to connect with individuals who share those interests, even when they might have little else in common. As Coates put it, loving “nerd culture” before it was cool doesn’t always align with growing up active, so his shared interest in that material allows him to connect better with this audience.
Tony Gentilcore, CSCS, has worked with everyone from powerlifters, figure competitors, moms, CEOs of big companies, and everyone in between. Gentilcore takes a two-tiered approach to finding similarities with his clients.
The first is to focus on the fact that both he and his clients are there to get the best results possible for the client. In other words, they’re both playing for the same team. (This focus on teamwork can also help create shared experiences. More on that in a minute.)
His second strategy is to ask about movies. In fact, Gentilcore includes a question in his intake asking new clients to share their favorite movie. As he says, “It serves as a nice ice-breaker. And on the off-chance that there’s awkward silence at any point during one of their initial sessions, I can always bring it up: ‘So, John, Eyes Wide Shut huh? what’s your favorite scene?’”
Fidelio. Cue awkward silence.
Even if there aren’t any immediately identifiable similarities between you and another person, you can almost always find some sort of shared interest or aspect of your backgrounds if you dig deep enough. Let your natural curiosity take over and explore the interests of others.
Reciprocal Liking
We have an inherent need to both act fairly and be treated fairly. As a result, whenever someone does something for us, be it a favor or giving a gift, we have a tendency to want to repay the giver in kind. Usually this is completed through a favor completed at a later time or a gift given in exchange. This effect also extends to our relationships with others.
When it becomes clear that others like us, we feel compelled to reciprocate by liking them in return [4], a concept referred to as reciprocal liking. Therefore, if you want to create new relationships with others, start by showing your liking toward them. In exchange, they will likely take a more favorable view toward you and be more open to establishing a relationship.
One simple way to create reciprocal liking is to tell your clients explicitly and regularly that you appreciate their business and truly enjoy working with them. This approach has such a big pay-off that it’s astonishing more professionals don’t do it as a consistent part of their practice. (And if you don’t enjoy working with them, you have a different kind of problem and may need to reevaluate what you’re doing on a bigger scale.)
Even if you seemingly have nothing in common during your first interactions (you can’t readily find any similarities), let your curiosity take over.
The best way to demonstrate liking and be interesting is to be interested.
Inquire into their interests and other areas of pride. Ask meaningful questions that allow you to learn more about the individual whom you’d like to create a connection with. Surely, if you are truly curious, you will eventually find something you have in common. You might even create a new shared interest that didn’t exist before.
In fact, this is one of Abbey’s favorite parts of the job:
“It’s a unique experience to not only work with people from all walks of life but to build relationships and connect with them over time.” She admits that sometimes it’s harder to find these similar interests. In these situations, she uses as many clues as she can, “T-shirts can give you a huge insight about what people are into. Places they’ve been, events they attended, or bands they love. If you are really listening, then you’ll likely discover at least one thing you have in common.”
When Mike Doehla, founder of Stronger U Nutrition, started his company, he had no idea about entrepreneurship or running a business. Two of his early clients were involved in multiple businesses in his area, and through them he began to learn more about it.
Because of them, Doehla eventually made the decision to quit his day job and focus on building Stronger U full-time.
I guess you could say that was a good choice, given that Stronger U has now helped tens of thousands of clients across the globe. Doehla’s interest in entrepreneurship remains. He’s gone on to be involved in seven other businesses and constantly reads about the subject. His passion for entrepreneurship started because he wanted to learn more about his clients.
Being regularly visible to and present with those you’d like to befriend increases your familiarity to them, which, in turn, improves your likability and their potential desire to want to connect with you. Building on shared connections and expressing your genuine appreciation for your clients further enhances your likability.
Both of these factors are relatively superficial, however, and while important for initially establishing a relationship, by themselves they are not sufficient to cultivate deeper bonds. For that more enduring connection, you’ll need to create vulnerability in order to develop closeness and trust.
Vulnerability
Vulnerability is defined as a state of being that exposes us to the possibility of being hurt or harmed, either physically or emotionally.
Being vulnerable in a relationship involves sharing our biggest dreams, our deepest fears, our greatest joys and our worst pain. This act of complete openness is often avoided by so many simply because of the risks of this exposure. By giving this information to another person, we give them the power to do us harm.
Yet, while it may seem so hard to be vulnerable with another person—especially someone we don’t know very well—research has shown that this vulnerability is actually the key to creating deep, meaningful relationships with others [6].
The Power of Shared Experiences
Why does vulnerability do such an excellent job of bringing people together into meaningful relationships? At least part of the effect can be explained by concepts presented by Sebastian Junger in his book, Tribe (and his ideas are supported by prevailing research).
The connectedness created through vulnerability is established because we bond best through shared emotional experiences with others, both positive and negative [7,8]. The ability to identify these shared experiences—through the openness created from being vulnerable—is what allows the connectedness of the relationship to solidify.
Mike Doehla knows how important these shared experiences are. In his work, the topic of cancer comes up and causes quite a disruption in clients’ emotional state and focus. As Doehla put it, “The last thing on people’s minds after a cancer diagnosis, or death, is what they’re going to eat. I’m a pretty open dude, so I would share my story often.”
The story he’s referring to is about losing his mom to cancer when he was just 23 years old.
“When I lost my mom, nothing else mattered, especially eating well. I wanted my clients to understand I could relate, and I knew what was most important in that moment. And it wasn’t the food. It was the family and the feelings. In these situations, I would always make sure people knew I was here and I did not expect perfection of any kind. I was just a shoulder they could lean on who could help minimize extra stressors if they needed it.”
Gentilcore is unbashful when it comes to discussing his personal journey with mental health and how he still routinely speaks to a therapist on a monthly basis. He sees how society prides itself in our ability to bottle up and compartmentalize our thoughts and feelings, and his openness can sometimes take clients by surprise.
“I often bring up my past bouts with depression with clients (when appropriate), if for no other reason than to emphasize how helpful it was for me that I started seeing a therapist. My thought is that if I am open about my experiences, then maybe it’ll be enough of a nudge to encourage a client of mine to seek out help if he or she needs it.”
Not only does sharing their stories create a shared emotional experience between each of these trainers and their respective clients, but their clients likely feel heard and validated, too—the opposite of being judged. When you can express your humanity, your clients will feel valued and cared for.
There is no better customer service strategy.
Empathetic Balance
While vulnerability appears to be the most important factor in creating closeness with others, proper judgment should be used when deciding when it is appropriate to share these experiences and feelings. Creating shared experiences allows us to empathize with others—the ability to feel the emotions they feel.
This means we can feel the positive emotions expressed by others, but it also means we will experience the negative emotions, too. If you are overly sharing your negative experiences and feelings with others, it can have the opposite intended effect by causing others to avoid future social interactions with you because they don’t want to be drawn into your negative energy.
If you are constantly “dampening the mood,” others will seek to avoid your company.
Think about what happens when a client upsets this balance with their constant negativity. Abbey and Coates agree that if this negativity becomes too great, the best course of action is to refer out or otherwise get rid of the client. Doing so can protect your energy and allow you to be more positive toward the other clients in your care.
Imagine if the situation were reversed?
A trainer who brings too much negativity is going to repel clients.
It is important, then, to not only use vulnerability as a tool to deepen relationships, but also to balance negative openness with positive openness—sharing your dreams, aspirations, and joyful experiences in addition to your fears and bad experiences.
Strategic Vulnerability
When considering when to create these shared experiences using vulnerability, remember the two most important factors: relevancy and empathetic balance.
You should share moments of vulnerability as they become relevant to the conversation, seeking to balance positive and negative experiences. Additionally, make sure the conversation remains directed to your client.
Disordered eating is something that most people never seek professional help for. Knowing this, as soon as Abbey’s clients begin to show signs of disordered eating, she uses that moment to open up about her own struggles with disordered eating.
Her goal in sharing her experience is first to let them know that they are not alone and shouldn’t feel ashamed.
Additionally, it’s to help them feel validated and encouraged to seek help from a registered dietician as well as support from people they trust. Opening up about her own struggles is a very personal subject, but it opens the door to creating deep bonds with many of her clients.
It takes a certain level of bravery to open yourself up to someone else.
Your client may not always be the first to share.
You may find yourself being vulnerable without an immediate return of vulnerability from the other person. This is normal and may just mean they need more time to feel comfortable. Fortunately, this doesn’t necessarily mean your openness was in vain. Once you’ve experienced your first offering of vulnerability, you have introduced a newer, stronger level of familiarity—which will breed greater likability and future moments of vulnerability.
Bringing It All Together
You now have the tools to better connect with current and future clients. Yet, there is one imperative piece of the puzzle missing that you must supply: a genuine interest in wanting to connect with others.
Most people are very aware when someone is being fake, and faking any of these steps can lead to disaster. You must be genuinely curious about others and want to make a connection with them in a real, authentic way.
Also consider that once a connection is established, it requires work to maintain. You must continually traverse this loop so long as you want to prevent the relationship from going stale.
Think of close childhood friends whom you no longer visit frequently. You’ve likely been very familiar, liked, and vulnerable with them during periods of your life. Now that you’ve grown apart, the relationship is not as close as it once was. This can happen to any relationship, even those with the closest of friends and loved ones, let alone your clients, without the proper care and attention it deserves.
You can use this formula again and again to reach and connect with more people. With this knowledge, you are better prepared to build new relationships to boost your client roster and retention rates. Building strong relationships will inevitably lead to greater success in your business.
About the Author
Alex McBrairty is an online fitness coach who owns A-Team Fitness in Ann Arbor, Michigan. Obese as a child and teenager, he blends fitness and psychology to help his clients discover their own hidden potential.
He has a bachelor’s degree in psychology from the University of Michigan and is certified by the National Academy of Sports Medicine.
His articles have appeared in Breaking Muscle and The Personal Trainer Development Center, and he’s contributed to Muscle & Fitness, USA Today, Men’s Fitness, and Prevention.
What would your life look like if there were no limits?
If the above question has you thinking about life from a different lens, then I did my job, and you do not have to read the rest of the article.
If life was only that easy- right?
But we both know you aren’t here for the easy way out, and Because Heavy Things Won’t Lift Themselves, let’s get warmed up for some heavy lifting, but not by using our god/goddess-like structures we’ve all sculpted during the quarantine.
Today, we are going to train using our brains.
Whatever challenge you face in life, asking the right kinds of questions can help you achieve massive breakthroughs. I’ve spent most of my life looking for answers until I went through a tough transition in life and discovered self-sabotage patterns and how my mind was holding me back from doing dope shit in life.
Self-sabotage exists for a reason.
It perceivably keeps us safe from our fears and prevents us from stepping outside our comfort zones. But if we can find ways to get past the voices holding us back, we can turn the impossible to possible, and limits become limitless.
What is Self-Sabotage
In a nutshell, self-sabotage occurs when a pattern of behaviors creates a conundrum of limiting beliefs that hold you back from achieving goals and stepping outside your comfort zone. When you embark on a self-discovery journey, whether through lifting heavy weights, running, yoga, or any other way to challenge your mind and body, patterns from your past sneak up in subtle ways and interfere with your growth.
It’s not your fault because your subconscious (the little voices in your head) creates templates throughout your life based on past experiences. Anytime you start to approach the edge of life you are used to, you mess up and revert to old routines.
(I did this a lot, and still, catch myself).
You might even be aware of this pattern, but you reject the thought and look for more answers. You try new things. You process information, and for some reason, never able to change. Self-sabotage has taken you hostage.
Maybe you are afraid of failure and give up on yourself. Or scared of rejection, and never stand up for what you value. Perhaps you are scared of what others think, and seek validation in all you do. While well-intended, the intention does not support unlocking the doors to do dope shit with your life.
How do you recognize self-sabotage and call yourself out before your limiting beliefs take over?
I wish I could say I had all the answers to those questions, and I’m willing to bet Lisa, Tony’s wife can help you with this area of life. But to keep things simple, let’s talk about some basics.
Note From TG: Lisa’s written a number of great articles on this site revolving around motivation and mindset. You can check them out HERE.
Also, you can visit her Instagram page (HERE) where she does a splendid job at interweaving fitness and psychology with her daily posts. Or, you can check out her website HERE. Finally, on an aside, she can likely beat me in an arm-wrestling match. She’s pretty jacked.
Because like heavy deadlifts help create a fantastic physique, acknowledging patterns of self-sabotage gives you the tools to break away from the limiting beliefs holding you back.
Let’s Pick Some Heavy Ass Weights Up!
To get started, you must call out these areas before you begin any transformation and catch them before the repeat in your life. Think of it as selecting specific exercises for a specified training session to hit a massive PR.
Every time you acknowledge and name the area in life, holding you back, you build a new set of skills to push past your comfort zone. Sure, you can skip this step and get amazing results, but eventually, the subtle signs of self-sabotage will catch up to you, and before you know it, you are right back where you started.
These areas of life are ubiquitous, yet many of us have no clue how to overcome common obstacles because we become victims of the stories we tell ourselves.
I’m too old
I’m too fat
I’ll never be able to look like “x.”
I’ll never change
I’m not strong enough
I’ve always been like this
You fill in the blanks
The sad part is when we have beliefs like these, we hardly ever test our limits. Life at best becomes a chase, and we seek to find surface-level answers to problems deep-rooted from our past. When viewed from this perspective, self-sabotage makes sense.
We’re all under pressure from today’s world, forcing us to make quick decisions without ever taking a step back to ask more questions. The paradox in our chase for life is many of us are never satisfied because the things we think we want never align with our values.
Which brings me back to you, and my original question.
What would your life look like if there were no limits?
I ask my clients this because it opens up doors for them to dope shit, not because it’s a dope question, but because questions like this demand, they choose a path in the face of uncertainty.
You are what you choose, and an uncomfortable truth many are not willing to face is we can never choose two things at the same time.
Or as the old English proverb says, you cant have your cake and eat it too.
The right kinds of questions can challenge you to see maybe you don’t know much about life, if anything. And the more invitations we give ourselves to ask better questions, the more we take full responsibility for our lives and punch our comfort zones in the kidneys.
Here is why this matters
The hardest part of any transformation is understanding what you want and value because without doing so, your brain will hunt for negativity in life. Psychologists refer to this concept as ” negativity bias: the idea that we’re always searching for negativity to see the dangers around us, but when we embark on a transformation of any kind, it doesn’t serve us well.
We all want to look good, feel good, have amazing relationships, and be happy. But no one ever wants to take full responsibility for the choices in life when we experience uncomfortable feelings associated with growth.
The truth is, nothing in life comes easy. You already know this, but because you focus on all the things you don’t want, you stay inside your comfort zone even if your comfort zone leaves you feeling depressed, burned out, exhausted, and resentful. When your behaviors and choices don’t match up with what you say you want, you’ll let self-sabotage ruin your entire life.
If you’re ready, I’d like to invite you beyond self-sabotage so you can go on to do dope shit in life.
How To Beat Self-Sabotage
Write down all the areas on your life holding you back, and the stories you continue to tell yourself. Notice how those stories make you feel and how often they prevent you from growth. The more honest you are, the more success you’ll have, changing them later on.
One of the biggest ones in my previous life was
“I am always broke…”
My story prevented me from saving money because I was afraid of my numbers and avoided them like the plague. This story made me feel like a failure, and I was in a constant state of financial stress.
After you acknowledge these beliefs and how they make you feel and hold you back, write down the opposite of this belief to help you prove this belief is not valid.
Self-Sabotage- I am always broke
New Story: I have never been honest with my numbers and have enough skills and experiences to live with abundance.
After you tell yourself a new belief, design a plan, and take action to prove to yourself you are worth the new life you say you want. Anytime you find yourself in a block, come back to the beliefs and write the opposite feeling holding you back. It will not be easy; you will get uncomfortable; change does not happen overnight. But the results will be worth the struggles.
Remember, the goal is not perfection, but consistency. You might not like what you discover in these exercises, but this is your life, and there is no time for fucking around if you want to go all-in on and doing dope shit.
About the Author
George Kalantzis is a coach, writer, and dad, committed to helping people do dope shit in their lives. He is a seasoned Marine Corps combat veteran with over ten years of experience coping with high-pressure and constantly changing environments.
Today’s guest post from fitness/health coach, Alex McBrairty, will no doubt resonate with many people who read this site.
If you’re even remotely health/fitness conscious chances are, at some point in time, you’ve been the recipient of some shade (or even backlash) from friends and family members during your journey toward a healthier lifestyle.
They’ll often judge you or even sabotage your efforts.
What’s up with that? Shouldn’t it be obvious they’d be your closest source of support?
Your Friends Are Primed To Be Unsupportive of Your Health Goals. Here’s Why
Imagine this common scenario: You’ve made the decision to start a fitness plan. You know it’s going to require changing your eating and exercise habits. You’ve stocked healthy food in the house, you’ve been keeping to a regular workout routine, and you’re seeing noticeable changes.
Then your friends invite you out to eat with them.
You’re hesitant because you know it’ll be tough to stay on track, but you agree to go anyway. Once you arrive and sit down, your friends begin ordering cocktails.
You stick with water.
Then it begins.
You hear one of the following phrases:
“Come on, it’s just one night. Have fun with us!”
“You’re not as much fun since you’ve started this diet.”
You roll your eyes because it’s hard enough to say no to your old habits, and they aren’t making it any easier. Your friends roll their eyes because you aren’t participating in your usual behaviors.
This is a common experience for anyone beginning to make healthy lifestyle changes, and yet it’s still surprising. What makes our friends and family, those people closest to us and who care about our wellbeing the most, the ones most likely to try and sabotage us?
Birds of a Feather
Humans are social creatures. We are drawn to be part of groups for our survival—whether our ancestors needed to join a village to ensure their safety against predators and enemies, or we, as teenagers, needed a group of friends to ensure surviving high school.
Being a part of a group is a hard-wired human trait.
Being part of a group also is more than just a mechanism for survival.
As it turns out, our social habits play a large role in shaping how we view ourselves and our place within the world. Our sense of self, or self-identity, is created based on all of the experiences, interests, and accomplishments we have throughout our lives.
What comes to mind when you describe yourself to others?
Or when others describe you to another person?
Those are likely the things that help craft your self-identity.
For example, a large part of my self-identity is fitness. I exercise every day and have built a career in the fitness industry as a coach. I take a lot of interest in fitness, and it’s become a core part of my identity. Having a clear self-identity is important to help us navigate our place in the world. It helps us decide what activities to participate in and who to associate with.
Another large part of this self-identity is formed based on the social groups we join. Most often, people decide to join a social group because they believe themselves to be similar to the other members of the group. The friends who make up your social circle tend to be interested in the same things you are.
As members of groups with specific interests, behaviors and values, we reinforce or adopt these same qualities within ourselves. Our social identity, the part of our self-identity that we form based on the groups we join, helps us establish a large piece of who we are.
When our self-identity gets wrapped up in our social groups, we will also display what psychology researchers call “in-group favoritism”: we put our group above other groups.
This creates the “us vs. them” mentality frequently seen in social contexts.
One obvious example can be seen between two competing sports rivals. The fans of each team display a very clear “us vs. them” mentality in how they interact with one another: trash talking, disparaging comments, and clear dislike of the other team’s fans. This “us vs. them” mentality creates a shared bond between group members, signaling to everyone in the group that “you belong here.
By The Rules
Throughout our history of organizing into groups, we have always needed rules to ensure cooperation among members of the group. These rules reflect shared values and help establish a collective identity. Countries create formal rules by passing laws. We all have a sense of what it means to be American, just as citizens of Great Britain know what it means to be British.
These rules and shared values help us easily distinguish who are members of “our group” from those who are outsiders.
This isn’t just a quality of sovereign nations.
Groups of any size show evidence of this rule-setting behavior. Even your social network, your group of friends or your nuclear family, have established rules that group members are expected to follow.
In the case of your friend-group, you might have rules aimed at the types of clothes you wear or the types of activities you do together.
If my friends and I typically enjoy movies together, suggesting we go hiking would be wildly outside the boundary of what is expected. Similarly, during the holidays my family has a specific sequence of events that we follow. We eat dinner at a certain time, with much of the same traditional holiday food specific to my family.
Afterwards we open gifts, stopping halfway through for dessert. If I were to suggest we eat dessert immediately following dinner, or that we open gifts before dinner was ready, it would be violating the holiday rules my family has established.
Interestingly, within our social networks many of these group rules are implicit.
We don’t always consciously think about them. Usually, we adopt a certain way of behaving by observing how others act within the group. I don’t explicitly know that my friends don’t like hiking (maybe I do from prior experience), but I know not to ask because no one has shown interest in that before.
During the holidays, I don’t know how my family would react if I started opening gifts before dinner, because I’ve never seen anyone do it before. The absence of this behavior leads me to believe it’s probably not an appropriate thing to do.
These implicit group rules help reinforce the shared identity among group members. It also reinforces the difference between “in-group” members and “out-group” members. When I bring my girlfriend home for the first holiday, she doesn’t know what rules to follow and this makes it easy to identify her as an outsider of the family.
Every group that we’re a member of—country, state, social, professional, sports teams, etc.—has a specific set of rules that we adhere to in order to maintain our membership status.
Why Positive Change Gets Backlash
So back to the original question: Why do our friends and family not support our healthy lifestyle changes in a manner we expect?
These changes are good for us, after all, and as the people who care about us most, shouldn’t they be on board?
In some cases, we even find they are the ones sabotaging our progress!
It’s bad enough when we feel like our friends don’t support our goals. What’s even more peculiar is that we can often catch our friends giving praise and admiration to some other stranger, usually a celebrity or an acquaintance, for doing the exact same thing they just gave us grief about! Why are they quick to give a total stranger praise for doing the same thing they’re hassling us about?
What’s happening is a unique psychological phenomenon called the “Black Sheep Effect.”
This refers to a group’s tendency to more favorably view unlikable outsiders than unlikable insiders.
Let’s think about this in the context of everything we’ve learned about groups so far.
We join groups (our friends) because it helps establish or reinforce a part of our identity. Then, we create rules within the group to reinforce and protect this identity, creating a clear distinction between people outside our group from those within. Then, as an individual we decide to make healthy lifestyle changes that ultimately change how we behave in social situations.
Now we’re likely violating the implicit group rules and threatening the identity of the group. This results in backlash from our friends because we’re changing our habits.
It should start to become clear why this is happening. Your social group doesn’t want you to fail or to remain unhealthy. Everyone in the group has been socially programmed to protect the identity of the group, and your new behaviors are threatening that.
This is where the backlash comes from.
To explain why your friends can give praise to a stranger for doing the exact thing you’re doing, look to the Black Sheep Effect. The stranger making healthy lifestyle changes is violating your group rules (as an outsider), while you’re also violating the group rules (as an insider).
Your friends favor the outsider who breaks the rules more than the insider because the outsider is expected to break the rules. Imagine having something stolen from you by a stranger. Now imagine having something stolen from you by a close friend.
This second scenario stings a little more.
The Solution
Knowing why this is happening is the first step, but we ultimately want to be able to do something about it. It doesn’t feel good to be ridiculed like that. The changes themselves are hard enough to deal with, let alone subtle or not-so-subtle sabotage from people who should care about your well-being.
The first thing you should do is to make your goals clearly known to your group members.
If you want to go a step further, ask them to help keep you accountable.
By making it clearly known why the changes are happening, it gives your friends an explanation for why you’re deviating from the normal behaviors of the group. Additionally, by asking them for help in holding you accountable to these changes, you’re reinforcing the implicit group rule to help fellow group members.
Here’s how this Jedi-mind-trick works: we feel compelled to help our friends, but if we help them break the group rules then we’re also breaking the group rules. Now we have to justify to ourselves why it’s OK that we break the group rules.
This is cognitive dissonance in action.
Cognitive dissonance is the state of having inconsistent thoughts, beliefs and behaviors. We don’t feel good when our beliefs and our behaviors are misaligned. For example, if we eat junk food while believing that we shouldn’t be eating junk food, this creates an uncomfortable mental state.
To resolve this issue, we typically either reduce the importance of our belief or justify our actions. In the case of junk food, we might convince ourselves that we “earned” it as a reward for something. In the context of recruiting our friends to help us break group norms, if they believe that breaking the group rules are bad, but their actions are to help you break those very rules (because they’re following the rule of being a good friend), then they need to resolve this inconsistency.
The most likely way they’ll resolve this is to convince themselves that breaking the group rules for healthy changes isn’t all that bad.
Now you’re a modern-day Obi-Wan.
Once you’ve recruited your friends to help you succeed in meeting your goals, the next step is to be very consistent in your new behaviors.
The reason you’re getting backlash is because your behaviors are new and different from what’s been established. However, the more you participate in these new behaviors, the more they become normalized.
When I first began my fitness journey, I got a lot of backlash for my new exercise habits and how I ordered food at restaurants. Now, however, my friends and family don’t even bat an eyelash when I disappear to work out or order a salad when we’re out to eat. It’s just become a normal part of who I am. The more you perform the new behaviors and make them visible to your friends, the more your friends will get used to this new version of you.
The more normal it all becomes.
Putting It All Together
We join groups out of human nature, we stay because they help define us, and we dislike when group rules are broken. Your friends give you a hard time because changing your lifestyle breaks the rules that probably contributed to connecting with these people in the first place.
Fortunately, this backlash isn’t a personal attack, but is the result of their identity being threatened by your new choices.
To overcome this backlash, recruit these friends to help you reach your goals and stay consistent in these new behaviors until they become your new normal. Then the backlash ends, your friends become more accepting, and your healthy behaviors become a part of your new identity.
About the Author
Alex McBrairty owns A-Team Fitness in Ann Arbor, Michigan. Obese as a child and teenager, he blends fitness and psychology to help his clients discover their own hidden potential. He has a bachelor’s degree in psychology from the University of Michigan and is certified by the National Academy of Sports Medicine. His articles have appeared in Breaking Muscle and The Personal Trainer Development Center, and he’s contributed to USA Today, Men’s Fitness, Prevention, and SparkPeople.com.
Today’s guest post comes courtesy of Dr. Lisa Lewis (AKA my wife).
Earlier this year she released her Psych Skills for Fitness Professionals course which was designed to help fill a gap where many fitness professionals lack formal education: psychology, motivation, and the “softer skills” needed to coach effectively and help clients attain their goals.
I’ve long noted that what burns and stresses most coaches/trainers out isn’t the x’s and o’s of program design or breaking down someone’s squat technique…
…rather, it’s the ongoing attempts to maneuver around the dark recesses of our clients’ psychological needs (particularly when it comes to motivation).
Of more relevance, COVID-19 has really done a number on just about everyone’s life in 2020 and the importance of motivation, healthy habits, and resilience through stress and uncertainty has never been more apparent.
Lisa has just opened up enrollment for her course, with a NEW, just-added module focusing on how fitness professionals can better build immunity to stress and uncertainty for themselves AND their clients/athletes.
If no foreplay is needed, you can dive right in HERE.
In 2020, this sequence of emotions, and the resulting toll they take is familiar to us all. Whether your personal, professional, or financial life has been stressed, shaken, or stamped out by the pandemic, chances are you have been significantly impacted by closings, stay-at-home orders, and social-distancing mandates.
When we have a stressful day, most of us can cope well.
We may become flustered, negative, or pessimistic, but a trusted coping strategy can typically help us to recover and turn the page quickly, like dinner with friends, a big hug from a loved-one, a good training session, or a hot bath.
But when days turn into weeks, and weeks into months, we all need more than a good pump and steamy soak in the tub. We need skills that can help us to persist.
To maintain hope.
To help us access our strengths in the face of long term adversity.
Starting in April and May of this year, I have been asked to contribute to articles and podcasts on “coping with the pandemic,” or “coping with stress,” or some similar topic.
As a psychologist, these requests and their resulting discussions and writings led me to explore the current literature on resilience, and this in turn focused my attention on the field of positive psychology.
Over the past 20 years, positive psychology has offered evidence-based recommendations for living well, coping effectively, and thriving (Peterson, 2006). The benefits of optimism, positive emotions, personal strengths, gratitude, meaning, healthy relationships and other optimal experiences in life have been examined, evaluated, and clearly identified as real, measurable, and worth-while.
This research, and the resulting recommendations for coping and living well offer a rich variety of skills that are relevant, important, and even essential in the current climate.
For example, as I read up on how to build and sustain resilience, I learned about “mental agility” from Karen Reivich (2002), who explains that we can learn and practice thinking flexibility and more effectively. Reivich states that by recognizing our tendencies to think in overly-rigid ways, intentionally changing direction, and carefully planning for negative outcomes, we can be more productive, efficient, and hardy in difficult situations.
Dr. Karen Reivich
The same way fitness professionals and enthusiasts can practice skills and drills for physical agility, so too can we work on mental agility.
If your thinking sometimes gets you stuck in negative, ruminative, unhelpful patterns of all-or-nothing, catastrophizing, or “poor me” thinking, then working on your mental agility could help you to think more objectively, effectively, and productively.
In addition to mental agility, challenging life events require us to not only work on our deficits, but also to draw on our strengths. In my work with patients, clients, and fitness professionals, I’ve found that most people gravitate toward addressing weaknesses, blindspots, or shortcomings in their thoughts and behaviors. However, understanding and leveraging the best of you is also a rich and potent source of resilience (Petersen & Seligman, 2004). Your personal character strengths can contribute to coping and even thriving in adversity – especially now!
Whether they be optimism, diligence, spirituality, or a great sense of humor, the best of you has so much to offer in the face of the worst times in life.
Do you know how to practice flexible, agile thinking?
Are you familiar with your character strengths? Do you appreciate them and harness them intentionally in the face of adversity?
This summer, I’ve designed a curriculum for developing and practicing these skills, and added them, for free, to my Psych Skills for Fitness Pros course. This curriculum has been included as a bonus module for students of Psych Skills for Fitness Pros, and covers the following content:
An Introduction to Resilience
Optimism
Mental Agility
Character Strengths
Implementation and Practice
In addition, this bonus module includes an interview with Mike T. Nelson, Ph.D., who discusses the concept of anti-fragility, and it’s parallel to stress hardiness and resilience! Dr. Mike and I explore the physical and psychological benefits of anti-fragility, as well as how to promote anti-fragility with your clients.
Psych Skills for Fitness Pros offers not only a review of theory and research, but also real life applications for coaches in fitness, wellness, and nutrition. Here’s what a recent graduate of the program had to say about her experience in the course:
“Coaching is about so much more than exercise selection and macros. I’m always looking to get better at the psychological side of coaching so that I can help my clients actually make the changes they want to make. Psych Skills for Fitness Pros was exactly what I needed. It was not just theoretical, but practical. “Here are the theories and here’s how you can use them in your day to day work.”
As a result of practicing the skills Lisa teaches I am better at meeting clients where they’re at with regards to motivation while helping them to develop along the motivation continuum and using motivational interviewing techniques such as helping clients work through their ambivalence. You will without a doubt be a better coach after taking this course.”
For the rest of 2020, and beyond, these skills and assets are what I hope you can draw from, lean on, and utilize to cope with the pandemic and all that it brings. But even more than that, I hope we can all develop more strength, agility, and skill as a result of having to cope with the pandemic. If we can endure this year, good – but if we can thrive and improve ourselves as a result of it, great!
Please read more about Psych Skills for Fitness Pros, Volume 1, HERE.
If you want to see more of my writing and approach to interlacing strength training and physical activity with mental skills and positive psychology, follow me on Instagram, HERE. If you want to learn more about positive psychology, mental agility, and/or character strengths, check out the fabulous content at the Positive Psychology Center at UPenn, HERE.
References
Peterson, C. & Seligman, M. (2004). Character Strengths and Virtues: A Handbook and Classification. Oxford University Press: NY.
Peterson, C. (2006). A Primer in Positive Psychology. Oxford University Press: NY.
Reivich, K. & Shatte, A. (2002). The Resilience Factor: 7 keys to finding your inner strength and overcoming life’s hurdles. Broadway Books: NY.
Today’s guest post comes courtesy of TG.com regular, Justin Kompf.
Ever have a family member or friend give you flak for going out of your way to exercise?
How about for eating healthy?
What about for having pecs that can cut diamonds?2
In any case, it’s important to understand that when this happens it’s (rarely) because they’re judging you or attempting to make you feel bad on purpose. It’s often a result of other, internal factors on their end.
Great post from Justin today.
Also, I defy anyone to read the word “sabotage” and NOT immediately have the Beastie Boys’ song of the same title reverberate in their head.
In 1686 Sir Isaac Newton introduced his three laws of motion in “Principia Mathematica Philosophiae Naturalis.” His third law states that for every action in nature there is an equal and opposite reaction.
Centuries later, and much less importantly, I was interviewed in a podcast and was asked what to do when attempts to be healthy are sabotaged (i.e. met with cruel remarks) by significant others.
Why, when we try to be healthy do other folks try to stop us?
I’m of the mind that their behaviors are often not malicious. Your desire to change and your behaviors cause an emotional reaction.
Behaviors are just behaviors, reactions and the extent to which someone reacts to your behaviors is a reflection of what that means to them within the context of everything else that is happening in their lives.
Let’s say your partner gets upset with you for something you did. Maybe you put your dishes in the sink and not the dishwasher. Their reaction should be a 1 out of 10 but instead it’s a 5 out of 10.
Note From TG: In the case of my household it would be a sleep on the couch out of 10.
Something else caused the elevated reaction. Perhaps it was the fact that they have asked you to not do this. Maybe they have had a really tough day at work or a fight with a family member. Either way, something else caused the elevated reaction.
So, if you eat a salad and that makes your partner upset, this is because something else is happening on their side of the equation.
Here is my law of social sabotage:
A behavior + it’s meaning to the other person = reaction.
If for whatever reason I keyed someone’s car right in front of them, they should flip out. They should be pissed! They should have an elevated reaction.
Maybe they will yell at me. Maybe they will call the cops or punch me in the face. Their reaction will be based on what it means to them in the context of my bad behavior.
Exercising should mean nothing to someone else. It is a completely neutral behavior. If someone makes snide remarks about you exercising it is because it makes them feel a certain way. Maybe it makes them feel insecure that they are not exercising.
What to do?
Be crystal clear in your conversation with that person. Tell them how their behaviors have an influence on you. Tell them why doing this is important to you and that you would like their support.
Tell them that their reactions to you trying to improve yourself hurt. Importantly, tell them that you would like to listen and hear why they are doing what they are doing.
Then actually do what you said you would do, listen!
Again, it is not your behavior that is the problem if you’re trying to be healthy, it’s how your behavior is making someone else feel.
Want to learn more about how to deal with things that can drain your motivation? Want to learn more about ways to harness motivation? This was an excerpt from Justin’s motivation eBook which you can download HERE.
About the Author
Justin Kompf is doctoral student studying exercise and health sciences. He is a personal trainer in Boston at CLIENTEL3.
NOTE: This is a blog I originally wrote back in 2017, but I’m repurposing it today because:
It’s really fucking good.
AND
2. It matches well with the release of Psych Skills for Fitness Pros, my wife’s (Dr. Lisa Lewis), latest resource for personal trainers, strength & nutrition coaches, and physical therapists designed to improve their communication and motivational skills.
It too is really fucking good…;o)
This is the last week you’ll be able to purchase it at $100 off the regular price.
My Wish for Female Fitness: Less Talk About Less
“Why should I be fit?”
Ask a male that question and you’ll hear a bevy of terms and phrases ranging from “to get swole and jacked” to “to get swole and ripped.”3
Ask a female that question? Well, the bulk of them will have an entirely different orientation or framing of answers.
Most of the time we’ll see an avalanche of words like:
Lean
Slim
Toned
Thin
In other words: For many women the idea of being fit revolves around being LESS. Rather than embracing and accepting their body as something unique and worthy of its own admiration (regardless of size), many women are fixated on the notion that less is sexier.
Healthier.
Better.
This is in stark contrast to the psyche of their male counterparts. Peruse any magazine rack and you’ll immediately notice a different tone:
Big
Strong
Mass
Gain
Here, the goal is MORE.
My wife, Dr. Lisa Lewis, who speaks on this topic and phenomenon frequently, refers to this as a Growth Orientation.
Woman are (generally) programmed to strive for less. By contrast, men are (generally) programmed to strive for more.4
“Striving to Be More, Instead of Wanting to Be Less”
Rather than being seduced into the rabbit hole of incessant “weight loss,” which, lets be honest, is the quicksand of the industry – slowly swallowing any semblance of enjoyment and fun out of fitness – I’d like to see more women gravitate towards something I refer to as 3×52.
Instead of a goal of weight loss and steady diet of disappointing results (and Paleo recipes that taste like old lady fart sprinkled with sawdust), the ultimate goal, as far as my own female clients, is to get them in the gym 3 days a week, 52 weeks a year…aiming for CONSISTENCY and PERFORMANCE.
I find if I can get them “married” (for lack of a better term) to finally conquering a chin-up, or deadlifting their bodyweight for reps, or, I don’t know, beating Xena Warrior Princess in a street fight, the aesthetic goals they’re chasing (often saturated with a tone of weight loss) just kinda-sorta…happen.
Better yet…they forget about them altogether, and just want to crush weights.
It’s All About Motivation
This is where my wife Lisa would chime in with her expertise, but I’m going to take as stab at it.
In the seminal book, “Intrinsic Motivation and Self-Determination in Exercise and Sport,” a light read (said no one, ever), motivation is described as:
“….[is] an internal state that energizes and drives action and behavior and determines its direction and persistence.”
The fitness industry, as it relates to women (exponentially so), is very much fixated on extrinsic factors: external appearance, sex appeal, being less.
This isn’t entirely wrong or altogether a bad thing. I understand that for many women looking at magazine covers like the one above, or perusing any number of Instagram accounts of fitness celebrities can be motivating.
However, it’s also very superficial.
Happiness, it would seem, is tethered to one’s waistline or ability to look a certain way society (or magazine editors) deems attractive.
This is not healthy.
And, funnily enough: I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard stories and have seen personally people (both men and women) who have sacrificed a lot to look a certain way.
They give up social events and carbs (CARBS!) in pursuit of six-pack abs or tank-top triceps, only to attain the goal and be like, “huh, that’s it? Well, that’s a bunch of bullshit.”
The moral of the story, however, is to help your clients find and recognize INTRINSIC factors that will fuel their motivation to get fit and healthy. And do so long-term.
The difference and power of intrinsic factors is that they have less to do with external appearance and sex appeal and more to do with finding value in other ways, like:
How exercising makes someone feel.
Exercise matches their values and beliefs.
Someone feels exercise is an important part of their personality, and makes them the best version of themselves possible.
You do that – help someone seek intrinsic motivation – and Tracy Anderson will have less of an influence.
This is where being a good, intuitive coach brings value. I’m a strength guy and love the barbell lifts, so it stands to reason I have a little bias towards them.
While I’m at a stage in my career where the majority of women who reach out to me know what they’re getting themselves into – a healthy dose of deadlifts and Tiesto – I also recognize that for some, I can’t force feed anything.
If someone would rather jump into a live volcano than perform a back squat…what good is it to force them to do back squats. That’s a sure-fire way to crush motivation.
It’s my job, then, to do the best I can to match their goals with shit they’ll actually want to do. Maybe instead of back squats we perform Goblet squats, or a crap-ton of sled work?
More to the point, if I can identify their strengths and talents – and utilize things that make them feel like a rock star – we’re in a good place.
A post shared by Tony Gentilcore (@tonygentilcore) on
2. Highlight Ways to Grow
Building autonomy should always be the goal with any client. You should want them to eventually leave.
Listen to a client’s goals and ALWAYS create plans based on those goals…..always. Allow room for goals to change, be modified, or even abandoned. Everything is negotiable.
A large reason why so many people fail to get results – even when working with a trainer – is that the trainer sucks balls. He or she never takes the initiative to provide education and feedback to increase competency in their clients.
I don’t feel there is nefarious intent or that such a thing is done purposely much of the time, but it does speak to the pure laziness of some trainers and coaches.
I know when I start to work with a new client (female or otherwise) I go out of my way to explain everything, why we’re doing a certain exercise, it’s benefits, and why it will help get them closer to their goals.
Moreover, I make sure to meet her where she’s at.
This kinda mirrors what I said above – I.e., not force feeding YOUR preferences onto your clients – but a crucial component of sustained motivation is competency. This is why I rarely have someone – male or female – straight-bar deadlift on Day #1.
Clients want to feel as if they know what the hell they’re doing, that they can do “stuff,” and that they don’t look foolish.
Foolish
Less Foolish
Look, a Demon Kitten (Which Has Nothing to do With Anything)
3. Build Relatedness
Your relationship & rapport with clients is an essential element of success. Be mindful of your clients’ social needs in regard to their fitness.
For example, if you partake in semi-private training as I do, and you’ve just started with a new female client and you know she’s a bit timid and self-conscious…it’s probably not a bright idea to pair her alongside your male client training for his next powerlifting meet.
Another example, especially when training female clients, Beyonce Radio on Pandora is like female relatedness catnip. It never fails.
Never.
Less Talk About Less
Taking all of the above in consideration will, I feel, help with all the “less” talk that permeates female fitness.
No! We want more.
More confidence, more autonomy, more competence, more muscle (because, why not?), more cowbell, more Beyonce.
What burns us out as coaches isn’t sets/reps, breaking down deadlift technique, or writing a metric-shit ton of training programs (although that last one can be debated). No, what grinds our gears are our…
…clients!
They can be inconsistent, unmotivated, drop off the face of the Earth only to show up three weeks later wondering why they’re not getting results, have poor boundaries, smell really bad, any number of things.
All of which require communication skills to deal with.
Creating a long-lasting career in fitness, one that rewards you with loyal clients who stick around, isn’t about how much you lift, how great your butt looks on Instagram, or how much you spend on Facebook for advertising.
It’s about creating a CONNECTION with your clients.
Paul Levitin spent a decade as a personal trainer & strength and conditioning coach, becoming the number one trainer in his entire company, while collecting over 30 certificates (CES, CSCS, PRI, PN1, FRC, & many more).
Justin Kompf is doctoral student studying exercise and health sciences. He is a personal trainer in Boston at 
