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Woman Gains Weight. Trainer Is a Nimrod.

I’ve heard a lot of asinine stuff in my time. My short list includes:

1. High protein diets will make your kidneys explode.

2. Protein powder will kill you (note to readers: as promised, I’ll be writing about protein powder supplements later this week).

3. One’s knees should never project over their toes will exercising.

4. Christian Slater is totally believable as a tough as nails multilingual operative who kicks major ass in the show My Own Worst Enemy. Two words: show canceled, bitches. Okay, that was three words. Whatever.

I thought I heard it all. That is till last week, when I received an e-mail from a female client of mine. Long story short, she’s a distance coaching client and was just checking in to fill me in on her progress. She also mentioned to me that she finally got her sister to start training and that she was making great progress as well; to the tune of five lbs of muscle gain while LOSING roughly five inches off her waist. Awesome. Here’s what my client’s sister’s trainer (I think that makes sense) had to say about her weight gain. Warning: your brain may actually hate you for what you’re about to read.

“……although some of that is muscle, you also have to take into account that when you gain muscle and get in shape, your blood actually will weigh more because it’s more highly oxygenated.”

(CRICKETS CHIRPING)

Wow. If that’s not a nuclear bomb of bullshit sauce, then I don’t know what is. Is this guy serious? I’ve put a great deal of thought into how I would respond to this statement (3 seconds), and here it is.

He does realize that women lose blood every month when they menstruate, right? He also realizes that the more muscle one has, the more glycogen they can store, right? As well, he must understand that oxygen doesn’t weigh freakin five pounds! Surely, that’s just common sense, correct? I understand that he wasn’t saying that the highly oxygenated blood accounted for all of her weight gain. But to suggest that it accounted for even the slightest bit of weight gain (or anything significant) is downright absurd. I mean, he could have said something completely looney, like, adding Unicorn tears to my mom’s lasagna will make it carb-free, and I’d believe that over the crap he mentioned above.

That being said, lets open up the floodgates. I’m sure many of you have some “what tha……..is (s)he serious?” stories. Feel free to share them below. This should be fun.

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Blah Blah Blah “Stop Doing Sit-Ups.” Blah Blah Blah. Is Anyone Listening?

Long story short, I trained at Hell-on-Earth Bally Total Fitness over the weekend, and in doing so, it reminded me just how lucky I am that I train at my own facility. You can only imagine all the things I saw that made me want to light my face on fire while I was there: the 6-3, 150 lb guy performing squats on a BOSU ball, the trainer taking his overweight female client through a series of “hip circles” followed by the seated ADD/AB-duction machines, and lets not forget all the dudes who walked around with their invisible water jugs between their arms (otherwise known as ILS: Inflated Lat Syndrome).

All that being said, nothing was more cringe worthy than all the people I saw performing endless repetitions of sit-ups as part of their workout. It still amazes me that people think there is any benefit to performing them. To be honest, I can think of a host of other things that would be more beneficial:

1. Cirrhosis of the liver

2. A nuclear holocaust

3. Four more years of Bush

4. Getting kicked in the balls, repeatedly

5. Another Sex and the City movie

I haven’t programmed a “sit-up” for any of my clients in well over three years, and they’re essentially banned from Cressey Performance. In the past, I’ve explained why I’m not a fan of sit-ups/crunches, so I won’t belabor the point here. Cliff Notes version (professional explanation): when one performs a sit-up and/or crunch, they’re essentially pulling the sternum closer to the pelvis hundreds, if not thousands of times, promoting a kyphotic posture (rounded back). Cliff Notes version (my explanation): they suck.

Furthermore, in Low Back Disorders: Evidence-based Prevention and Rehabilitation, Dr. Stuart McGill notes that the traditional sit-up imposes approximately 3300 N (about 730 lb) of compression on the spine. Incidentally, the National Institute for Occupational Safety and Health (NIOSH) has set the action limit for low back compression at 3300 N; repetitive loading above this level is linked with higher injury rates in workers, yet this is imposed on the spine with each repetition of the sit-up! Hello people?!?!?!?! Stop doing freakin sit-ups, for the love of all that is holy.

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Hot Chicks + Chairs = Nobel Prize Worthy Fat Loss (That’s What I Like To Call Math People)

I am so conflicted today. If you’re a regular reader of my blog, you know that when it comes to women and fitness I hate buzz words like tone, sculpt, or anything to do with Tracy Anderson. Moreover, the whole idea that women are these delicate creatures that shouldn’t lift anything more than a pink dumbbell (for fear of getting big and bulky) is just plain absurd in my opinion.

That being said, under normal circumstances what I am about to show you would typically make me want to slam heroine directly into my eyes. But dammit, I have a penis and sometimes I have to give credit when credit is due.

*CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP. Tear rolls down cheek. CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP. So confused. CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP. Doesn’t this do nothing but glorify women as sex objects? CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP. And come on, are they serious that they think this is a bonafide way to improve strength? CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP. All someone needs is a chair and a reason to tap into their inner slut to lose fat? CLAP CLAP CLAP. I think kitchen chairs are on sale at Target this week. CLAP CLAP. Which means Christmas shopping is so done. CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP. Who says I don’t understand women? CLAP CLAP *throws rose onto stage* CLAP CLAP. Encore, encore!

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Supplements Will Make You Swole/Yoked/Jacked. Or Something Like That.

I haven’t discussed supplements in quite some time, so I figured I might start a weekly discussion on them; maybe. Each week I’d like to pick a supplement and discuss it’s pros/cons/whether or not it will make chicks want to hang out with you, etc. Although I have to say that supplements are kind of a gray area with me. On one end, I recognize their efficacy and there are undoubtedly a handful that I highly recommend to people. Conversely, I do feel (generally speaking) they’re grossly over emphasized.

For instance, I can’t stand it when someone who is 20-40 lbs overweight and has the mobility of a pregnant pig starts asking me about glycerol and whether or not he should start taking it. What tha what? Here’s an idea, stop eating Arby’s everyday for lunch and go to the gym more than once a week. As Alwyn Cosgrove has stated time and time again, “supplements are progress enhancers, not progress starters.” Trust me, outside of some very specific circumstances (trying to get contest lean), if your current training/diet plan isn’t working, supplements aren’t going to help much.

That being said, if any of you would like to see me blog about any supplement in particular, let me know below. More than likely, I’ll do this for a few weeks and then get tired of it. You see I typically write my blogs in the morning, which is to say I’ll probably be too busy watching JC Monahan report the local weather. Which is to say I obviously could care less what the Dew Point is*.

Also, just a fair warning, the first person to ask about NO Explode gets a free one nut punch courtesy of yours truly.

*Sexy. Get it? She reports the weather and she’s hot. And weather people always report the dew point. Ergo, dew point=sexy. Stay classy Boston.

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Deadlift Troubleshooting and I’m Pretty Sure I Found My Future Wife (Sorry Jen from Saugus Hooters)

Q: I am having issues with my deadlift. No matter what I do it seems that I can never get my deadlift to 400 lbs and above (which is embarrassing). Currently, I am using your Rule of 90 Percent article and finding great gains in everything but the deadlift. Do you have any suggestions or a program that could help with my numbers? Thanks

A: I like lists, so for the sake of simplicity I’m just going to spew out some random thoughts in no particular order concerning this issue.

Side Note: Before I begin, just know that there are far worse things to be embarrassed about than not having a 400 lb deadlift. For instance, take this guy who is currently performing during open mic night here at the local Starbucks*. I don’t know whether I’m listening to a human being attempt to sing or listening to two whales try to rape each other. It’s a toss up.

1. How long have you actually been training (the right way)? Both Eric Cressey and myself have hit on this point before, but it bares repeating. Any healthy male under the age of 50 can (and should) be able to deadlift at least 400 lbs within two years of proper training.

I’m going to assume you’re under the age of 50 and that you’re “healthy.” So all that’s left to ask is whether or not you’ve been training properly given your goals. Can you look at the past two years of your training and honestly say that you’ve been doing everything right? Read: not being the guy who has a dedicated arm or rhombizoid** day? If not, then you have to be patient. It definitely sounds like you’re headed in the right direction. It’s just going to take time and some hard work. You’ll get there

2. Footware (or lack thereof). I hit on this point last week, but in a nutshell you should be deadlifting either barefoot or in Chuck Taylors. Click on the link if you don’t know why. It may or may not lead to free porn. It’s the risk you’re just going to have to take.

3. Leverages. Depending on your leverages, you may need to tweak your training so that you’re not working against your body.

For instance, those with a long torso and short limbs are going to be at a mechanical disadvantage for deadlifting. If this is you, then it stands to reason that you may have a hard time getting the bar off the floor. If that’s the case then a healthy dose of SUMO deadlifts (14% less ROM with this version) and speed pulls from a deficit are in order.

Conversely, those at the opposite end of the spectrum (short torso, long limbs), are typically well suited for the deadlift. In this case, most tend to stall out about one-half to two-thirds of the way up. Speed pulls (preferablywith some accommodating resistance; ie chains) and lots of glute activation work are in order here.

Additionally, for the long limbed lifter, I wouldn’t be opposed to adding in some heavy rack pulls in their programming as well. I know some people think there’s no carry-over to the deadlift, but I disagree. I have big arms, so I obviously I know what I’m talking about.

Moreover, regardless of which body type you are, don’t neglect the posterior chain. There are a plethora of exercises you can implement that will undoubtedly help improve your deadlift (pull-throughs, glute ham raises, single leg work, etc). Personally I have found that when I include goodmornings into my programming, my deadlift skyrockets.

4. Hot Chicks. And if all else fails, spend a good ten minutes looking at pictures of Italian actress Laura Torrisi.

If your t-levels don’t soar and you don’t beat your PR by at least 20 lbs afterwards, blame your penis and send that little booger to its room with no supper. And that means no X-box mister! I want you to think about what you’ve done. *slams door*

*Alright yes, I hang out at Starbucks occasionally when I want to get some writing done. Whatever. Just for the record, I’m not a coffee snob (I don’t even drink it), but I like to use the free WiFi and hang out in the lounge area. Which is to say there are a lot of hot Asian chicks.

**Note to the retarded guy who will e-mail to let me know there is no such thing as a rhombizoid. You’re a retard.

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Miscellaneous Miscellany Monday (I meant to post this yesterday, I suck)

1. I was perusing a back issue of Men’s Health the other day and came across a section titled “Guy List.” In this particular issue the list described “15 Must-See Sights,” and one in particular caught my attention.

A Predator in Midhunt: a fox will stare motionlessly at a mouse den for many minutes, just to bring dinner home. Shouldn’t you put more effort into your meals than choosing a number 3? Takeout is not a survival strategy, it’s a slow passage to death and laziness.

I couldn’t agree more with the above sentiment. It never ceases to amaze me how lazy people are when it comes to their nutrition. They’ll be meticulous about changing their car’s oil every 3000 miles and only using high grade gasoline to enhance its performance; yet many won’t think twice about the fuel they put into their own body. Weird.

If time is an issue, get up earlier in the morning to prepare your meals. If you’re in your car all day, buy a small cooler and store your food. If you’re stuck in an office all day, do what I do and go kill a deer on your lunch break and make your own venison jerky to bring to work. Quit making excuses and get it done.

2. We made our interns dress up for Halloween, cause we’re a-holes like that. Originally we wanted both Kevin and Chris to dress up as the Ambiguously Gay Duo (Ace and Gary), but figured that may come across as a bit overboard. So obviously the next best option was to dress Kevin up as a Hooters chick, which basically gave me nightmares for the past three days.

3. Also, this is just a personal message to Jen from the Saugus, MA Hooters located on Rt. 1 (where Pete and I drove to the night beforehand get Kevin’s Hooters outfit).

Dearest Jen,

First off, I just want to say the Cobb salad that I ordered was absolutely delicious. I would expect nothing more from such a well regarded establishment. Personally I would have added a bit more chicken, but whatever. Anyways Jen, you weren’t my waitress, and we actually didn’t speak to one another. However, I’m preeeetty sure you wanted me. I saw how you were looking at me as you were taking those nachos to table four. You looked really, um, smart in that pink whatchamacallit outfit. Except replace “smart” with OMG boobies!!!! If you ever want to get together to discuss menu options, glute medius function and how it relates to anterior knee pain, or I don’t know, kittens, just e-mail me at [email protected]. TTYS. XOXOXOXO.

Tony

3. Now let me preface this by saying that I have nothing against fat loss programs. There are plenty of programs out there that I like and I have used several with great success with various clients of mine. That being said, I’m so sick of people doing fat loss programs for months on end. Granted we’re in the midst of an obesity pandemic, and I understand that fat loss programs are a necessity for many people. However, I’m sorry, there are times where I feel they’re overrated and people place too much emphasis on them. I touched on this in my training log last week, but here’s my take:

*Lift heavy shit

*Don’t eat like an asshat

*Throw in some intervals or energy system work

*Repeat

I should write an e-book.

4. It seems a week never goes by where I don’t receive an e-mail from someone complaining about back pain. Oftentimes they will tell me that despite using an “ergonomically friendly” chair, they still suffer from persistent back ache. Truth be told, there is no such thing as one best posture for the lumbar spine. The best posture is one that is always changing.

Since many of you are sitting there reading this post at work, feel free to place your feet on your desk. I’m sure you’re boss won’t mind.

5. I’m hereby boycotting any dude who tries to friend me on Facebook who has a shirtless picture of himself as his profile picture. First off, it’s lame. Unless your name is Jessica Alba of course. Secondly, that barbed wire tattoo across your arm is kinda douchebaggy. And lets be honest, you’re not that ripped in the first place.

6. Normally, arguing with a pilates instructor over the internet is about as exciting as playing Marco Polo with Helen Keller, but I’ll play along and make this short and sweet. For the love of god, pilates DOES NOT lengthen (or elongate) your muscles.

Correct me if I’m wrong (and I’m not), a muscle’s length is dependent on it’s origin and insertion along the bone. We can’t make bones longer (I’ll refrain from the obvious joke here), so it’s physiologically impossible to make a muscle longer beyond their given origin and insertion points. I really wish this myth would just shut up and die.

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Will Fruit Juice Make You Fat?

Last week on The Fitcast, the gang and I discussed fruit juice and how it’s gotten a bad rap as of late. First off, let me just say that there are far worse things that people could be drinking: soda, beer, battery acid, etc. At the very least, fruit juice will provide vitamins and minerals, along with some fiber (depending on the type and how processed it is). I’ve always been a “realist,” and never really had any issues with people drinking fruit juice (within reason). I mean if someone is 30 lbs overweight, the last thing they should be worried about is their morning glass of OJ. Or should they? Notice the blatant foreshadowing there? You’re totally going to keep reading.

Needless to say, I was catching up on some reading the other day and came across a really cool review by Lyle McDonald discussing how humans show poor compensation for fluid calories.

As McDonald points out:

Compensation means that the body will adjust caloric intake at other times of the day (or days later) for a given caloric load. So say you eat a bunch of candy earlier in the day and it provides 450 calories. What you might see is that, later in the day, folks eat a few hundred calories less than they’d normally eat. The body ‘compensates’ for the food you ate earlier. The problem is that most liquid calories aren’t compensated that well and figuring out why is of some interest to researchers.

Furthermore, of interest to me (and something that I didn’t bring up last week during the show), is the fact that various lines of research indicate that the intake of calorically sweetened beverages (fruit juice, soda, etc) do NOT reduce the intake of solid food. In other words: people drink their calorie containing beverages (typically loaded with sugar), and because there is no “compensation,” will generally still stuff their pie holes later on in the day in the form of real food. Read: fat people are fat. Or something like that. I don’t know, I’m not a researcher.

And before some of you start going ballistic, please note that I’m not saying indulging in a diet coke or some flavored water every now and then is going to be detrimental in regards to one’s body composition. However, I do feel the above brings up a few valid points.

Namely, as noted in the original review, in all but the last 11,000 years, the predominant fluids consumed by humans were water and breast milk. That’s it. As well (and this is just me speaking), it’s only been within the last 75-100 (ballpark guess) that we’ve inundated our diets with a plethora of artificial sweeteners and liquid calories. Now I wouldn’t go so far as to say that fruit juice and the like make people fat, but I think it’s safe to assume that it’s not just a coincidence that there are many of you out there who tend to rely on calorie containing beverages and often wonder why it’s so hard to lose any weight. Something to think about.

That being said, I hope everyone has an awesome National Dress Like a Slut Day Halloween. Sadly, I won’t be participating in any festivities today. Apparently there’s a rule that your costume needs to include pants. Pfffft, whatever.

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First Rule of Squatting: Make Sure Your Mom Is Around

Thought I would share this video that was sent my way a few days ago. Freakin hilarious. This brings back so many memories from when I used to train down in my parent’s basement last week when I was younger.

Honestly though, this kid needs to grow a pair. The first rep looked “passable,” but he just totally shit himself on that second one. I mean, he didn’t even put up a fight. What’s up with that? His man-card is hereby revoked until further notice. Furthermore, someone should tell him that no girl is ever going to let him touch her boob if he continues to post training videos of himself shirtless. Just sayin. Nevertheless, kudos to mom for coming to the rescue like that. She deserves a day off from cleaning or something. Hahahahaha. You’re right, lets not get carried away.

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Miscellaneous Miscellany Monday (Say That Three Times Fast)

1. Last week, while out to dinner with the boys from CP, Eric stated that I should man up and add a ton of sled work into my programming. Since I am basically banned from squatting for the time being (and because my knees hate me), I’ve decided that I do need to man up, and as of last Wednesday, I’m pulling the sled twice per week.

UPDATE: Um yeah, after eight sets of dragging on the rubber matting on Saturday I’ve come to the conclusion that I “need” a raging case of Gonorrhea more than I need to drag the sled more. I’d rather masturbate with a cheese grater than look at the sled again.

In all seriousness, as much as the sled sucks, it’s a great way to still get some leg training in despite trying to work around an injury (especially for those with knee issues). Additionally, as John Berardi wrote in this article, the sled is a fairly versatile piece of equipment that can be used in a plethora of ways. Suck it up buttercup.

2. According to this story on Yahoo News, apparently Skeletor Madonna scheduled sex with her husband Guy Ritchie around her workouts. According to a report in London’s Daily Mail, Ritchie says the marriage disintegrated when Madonna started planning their sex life around her daily three- to four-hour gym sessions. Come on now, do you expect me to believe this? Married people have sex? Hahahahahahahaahahahahaahahahahahaha. Good one Yahoo.

3. Awhile back I wrote on how I felt that most flaxseed oils tasted like buttcrack (Read: all flaxseed oils taste like buttcrack). Imagine my surprise when a representative from Shape Foods contacted me to try a few of their Heart Shape Flax Oil blends and I didn’t want to swallow my own tongue! I kind of felt like “Mikey” from those old Life Cereal commercials. He likes it, he likes it!!!!!

Traditionally, the taste of flax oil hasn’t been a high point for me, but with this culinary quality blend, I was pleasantly surprised. However this whole scenario did get me thinking about what other companies may be poking in from time to time and what other free stuff I can get. Nike? Reebok? Heeellllo? Just an FYI, shirt size= sexy.

4. Here’s a cool e-mail I received from John Brooks, who traveled all the way from Seattle to stop by CP and to cheer on his on wife’s team during the Head of the Charles.

Tony,

Thanks for inviting me out there to have a look at CP, and for letting me get a lift in. It was great to meet all of you guys and to see the environment you have created there. I really appreciate you taking the time to answer questions in the middle of your work day, and how you teach and coach the athletes. I have been at a few other facilities across the country and you guys have done singularly the best job at creating the right environment, teaching the athletes the value of the simple (but not easy) movements, and getting the athletes to value hard work and technique over numbers on the bar. It was a lot of fun, and I learned a great deal.

Thanks so much for the kind words John. Really.

5. Check out this week’s episode of The FitCast, which includes a bonus interview with strength coach Mike Boyle. Great stuff!

6. I got nuthin else. Just arrived to work, and we have a few of our pro baseball guys showing up in ten minutes to train. God I love my job.

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Exercises That Make Me Think…………Huh????

I received this e-mail from a friend of mine in Australia that I thought I would share with all of you since I found it pretty comical/absurd/or any adjective you can think of that would warrant my eyes hating me.*

 

With our certification process in Australia, the institutes all offer online education education assistance through interactive tests and tools. It seems like a good idea at first, however, as I was browsing last night I found the exercise below which I thought you might find amusing (or it may make you vomit, I think either effect is the desired outcome). Please note, these courses are compulsory for me to be registered as a trainer, it’s not a testament to my character nor my training philosophy! Also according to these guys there are NO barbell lower body movements allowed to be used for beginners OR intermediates.

Exercise: Bicep-Curl w/Deadlift

Difficulty: Highly Advanced

Benefits: This is an excellent movement for power/strength athletes. This more advanced movement used momentum and can usually be loaded with more weight when progressed properly.

First off, how can anything involving a bicep curl be labeled as “highly advanced?” I’ve known people who have been bicep curling since they were a fetus. How hard can it be? Secondly, unless you’re some freak of nature or I don’t know, Robocop, there is no way you should be able to arm-curl what you deadlift.

And what’s with this whole notion that beginners and intermediates can’t perform any lower body movements with a barbell? What, too dangerous? Oh please! What’s dangerous is telling that same de-conditioned “beginner” who hasn’t seen his penis while standing since 1997 that it’s perfectly okay to go for a 1-2 mile jogs three times per week.

It’s stuff like this that drives me bonkers.

*Great, they took the car “to go for a drive.” They always do that when they’re mad at me. Last time they did this, they ended up passing out drunk at a stop light, and I was late for work. Dammit!