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School Systems Are Smart

I was talking with my sister the other day, catching up on life, when we got on the topic of my six year old nephew, Zach. A few hours beforehand, I had noticed that my sister’s “status” on Facebook read “is sad for my little boy this morning about going back to school.”

Being the protective uncle that I am, my first thought was, “I will drive to Albany right now and go Billy Madison on someone’s ass.” No one bully’s my nephew. Note: video is bad quality, sorry.

Come to find out, it had nothing to do with him being bullied at school. Rather, it had everything to do with the fact that his teacher sucks donkey scrotum and has been pushing all year to “label” my nephew as having ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder). Being a certified teacher herself (in Special Education no less), my sister KNOWS the signs of ADD/ADHD, and recognizes that just because my nephew passes the plethora of “cognitive testing” with flying colors, doesn’t necessarily exclude him from being diagnosed with said learning disorders.

Nevertheless, in the teacher’s words, “Zach often loses focus and lacks discipline throughout the day.” Weird how that happens when you have a school system that only allots 15 minutes per day of recess, and only requires a minimum of three days per week of physical education (which I assume are 30-45 minutes each).

Great Galloping House of Gryffindor, I’m 32, and even I need more than 15 minutes of recess per day or I’m running around like a bat out of hell with scissors in my hands and eating paste for lunch. Seriously though, what six year old kid doesn’t “lose focus” at some point during the day? There are only so many times you can sing Old McDonald Had a Farm or listen to some old hag read I don’t know, The Bernstein Bears Go On a Picnic before you want to go off and do your own thing. Like make an epic Lincoln Log fort or practice your Crane kick on little Johnny’s grill.

Maybe it’s just me, but I think It’s a sad state of affairs that we have gone to such lengths to put biomotor learning/skill development/recreation (which helps promote BOTH) on the back-burner in our education system, and we then wonder why kids’ attention spans aren’t up-to-par. We have teachers and other school administration pushing psychologists to diagnose these kids with learning disabilities such as ADD/ADHD at a pace never seen before. Not to mention we’ve had to rename adult-onset diabetes to type-II diabetes, because we now have children as young as eight developing it. Of course, the obvious solution to the problem is to medicate these kids and/or place labels on them. Conversely, we could just you know, let them be kids, and allow them to go outside and play for more than 15 minutes a day. Just a thought. What do you think?

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Miscellaneous Miscellany Monday (4/20/09)

1. It’s Patriots Day here in the Boston area today. For those that don’t know what that entails, there’s this little thing called The Boston Marathon, and essentially, anyone who happens to be lucky enough to work in the city gets the day off. Which is to say, I’m not one of those lucky ones AND it’s yet another reason for the streets of Boston to be lined with drunk people. God save us all.

2. Speaking of the marathon, I just wanted to give a shout out to two of CP’s clients who will be running in it this morning; Stephanie Holland-Brodney and Aimee McGuire. Make the V-Club proud ladies!!!!

Coincidentally, Steph promised that this would be her last marathon (I’m not holding my breath because she’s said the same thing the past two years), but just case, I’m posting this picture as a gentle reminder that it IS public record now:

3. It never ceases to amaze me the lengths that people will go lose weight; running a marathon aside. LMAO. See what I just did there? In case you’re not picking up what I’m putting down, I’m basically saying that for many people (read: not all) training/running for a marathon isn’t going to be the panacea of weight loss they think it is. Get it? Get it? Jesus people. It’s called sarcasm*. You should try it sometime.

Anyways, check out this die-it. Freakin classic.

4. My friend Matt McGorry wrote a really good article about carb-cycling for t-nation.com last week. Check it out here. The best part however, was the last sentence:

So, if you’re on a quest for single-digit body fat, think about what you’ve done so far today. If you didn’t pack your own food before you left your house, how much do you really care about getting shredded?

5. Anna Faris is hot. I’d totally make her meals for her. Just sayin.

*NOTE: Except, I’m not being sarcastic.
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Muscletech Can Sell a Coatrack To a Moose

As a strength coach, my weeks are generally spent working with a variety of people with varying backgrounds and ability levels. On any given day I can be teaching a young athlete how to deadlift, working with a professional pitcher on his medicine ball drills, or helping a new client fix their lower back pain. Inevitably, however, discussions will also tend to lead to the topic of supplements.

What should I take?

How often should I take them?

What do you take?

Will “x-supplement” give me abz?

Is creatine steroids?

I’ve discussed my stance on supplements in the past, and while we do recommend a handful of them to our clients at CP, we generally take a minimalist approach. I mean lets be honest, I’m in the business of helping people get results, and I’d be remiss to say that certain supplements don’t have their place in regards to helping people recover, enhance performance, and/or make people of the opposite sex want to hang out with them.

Nevertheless, it’s always amusing when clients bring in certain supplements and ask our opinions on them. To their credit, we have smart clients, and when they bring something in, it’s usually something they got as a free sample and they just want to see what our reactions are going to be. More often than not, it’s something like this:

So the other night, CP’s longest tenured client (who’s getting ready for her 3rd Boston Marathon) walks in and says “Tony, I have something for you to look at. I ordered some stuff the other day, and they sent me a sample packet of this. What is it and what the heck does it do?”

I have to give Muscletech credit, they know how to market. I mean, how can you not want to try something that will give you the “World’s strongest vaso-anabolic psychoactive experience.” In supplement speak, I’m pretty sure that means you’ll cause an earthquake when you flex your pecs and/or you’ll be able to fly. Or maybe it just means you’ll end up with explosive diarrhea. I don’t know, it’s one of the two. *shrugs*

Flip to the back label and you’re bombarded with a myriad of ingredients (I lost count at 50) that sound more like the Periodic Table of Elements than anything else.

Better still, are the directions:

Directions: naNO Vapor is extremely powerful, so do yourself a favor. Start off by mixing 1 serving (1 scoop) with 4 oz. of cold water and downing it about 15 minutes before hitting the weights. Then, grab something heavy. As you develop respect for, and understand the power of naNO Vapor, you can gradually increase the dosage to 3 scoops mixed in 12 oz. cold water.

Due to the extreme reactivity of the naNO Vapor formula, make sure the container is stabilized for at least 10 to 15 seconds before opening the lid. Otherwise, vaporized particles invisible to the naked human eye may escape the confines of the container. Do not leave the container open for more than 30 seconds. Due to the unbridled power of naNO Vapor, make absolutely certain that you have read the entire label before using naNO Vapor. You must follow the directions provided.

What tha!?!?! Is NASA launching a rocket ship or something? Regardless, I’m sold! Now excuse me while I go nanomolecularize my vascular expanders. What ever that means.*

*nothing
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Tax Day-Fitness Related Edition

Like the majority of Americans today, I’m recovering from the manic depression that inevitably comes with paying our government 1/3 of my income. In fact, I’m so depressed about how much I owe “The Man” I may just stay at home today and watch an episode of One Tree Hill.

*45 minutes, and one pint of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream later*

Conclusion? Worst show about a hill. Ever.

Nevertheless, with this being tax day and all, I figured I’d brainstorm and conjure up some alternative reasons to tax people; albeit fitness related. I mean, if our local politicians (ahem, Mephistopheles State Representative Pam Richardson) can think of asinine ways to try to use our tax money (paying for illegal immigrants to vote, attain drivers licenses and apply for free tuition for example), I decided I could come up with some equally retarded reasons to tax people. Accept in my case, it’s perfectly logical.

Without any further ado, here’s my list. If any of the following pertains to you, payments can be made in the form of Kim Kardashian badonakadonk pics and/or Legos. Preferably pirate themed. Arrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Thou is Taxed If:

  • You are ever caught training a perfectly healthy client on a BOSU ball.
  • Your name is Tracy Anderson.
  • You’re friends with Tracy Anderson.
  • You’re ever in the same room as Tracy Anderson.
  • You ruin a perfectly awesome educational video like the one below by placing some random dude in it for no apparent reason other than to make me hate you. See 0:57.
  • You aren’t making some effort to work on tissue quality. Watch this video, get yourself a foam roller, and thank me later.
  • You’re the type of person who goes on and on about how much you hate cottage cheese/veggies/oatmeal/fruit/or anything remotely healthy. Suck it up and eat it. The sooner you realize that you need to stop eating for convenience, the better off you’ll be.
  • You squat in a Smith Machine. Worse still, if you’re a trainer and teach all your clients how to squat in a Smith Machine. Pure laziness in my opinion.
  • You end up being the douchehole who leaves a comment below saying that the Smith Machine is a viable piece of equipment and that you’re sick of people bashing it.
  • You aren’t taking your vitamin D.
  • You still believe there’s such a thing as “power” yoga. Riiiigggggghhhhttttttt.
  • You aren’t including at least some form of direct “core” training in your programming. Those who say all you need is to squat and/or deadlift are missing the boat entirely.
  • Speaking of programming, An additional tax will be instituted if you’re using accomodating resistance (ie: chains, bands) and you can’t even perform a body-weight reverse lunge without falling over.
  • You’re skipping breakfast. EPIC fail.
  • You never have time to train, but for some reason, you were able to watch last night’s episode of Dancing with the Stars.
  • You think that the Nintendo Wii is a viable form of exercise.

That’s all I can think of for now. I need to go lift heavy stuff. But feel free to add your two cents below…….

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Morning Cup of Vomiting In My Mouth II

As the title suggest, I’m bringing back a classic. I need to do this more often.

From Boston.com:

Two decades after revolutionizing women’s fitness with step aerobics*, Reebok has unveiled “Jukari Fit to Fly,” a new exercise program that the company is bringing to gyms worldwide. Through a partnership with entertainment company Cirque du Soleil, the Canton based company is attempting to create more fun in the gym and reclaim its reputation as the women’s fitness expert with an hour-long workout that includes a mix of cardio, strength training, balancing, and core training on a contraption known as the FlySet.

Wow. Just wow. I don’t really know what to say here. About the only thing Reebok is going to “revolutionize” with this FlySet contraption is reminding me how much those flying monkeys from The Wizard of Oz creeped me the f*** out, and gave me nightmares for two straight weeks when I was a kid.

Thanks a lot Reebok. *crawls into corner sucking thumb*

The equipment hangs from the ceiling and consists of a three-stranded rope with a 360-degree swivel point attached to a steel bar that strengthens and lengthens the body and creates the sensation of flying during the workout. Jukari comes from the Italian word “to play.”

That’s funny, in English, Jukari comes from the word “to have a sudden urge to want to throw myself in front of a train of retarded sauce.” How many gyms are going to allocate the funds to set this up? Seriously. Seems like it would be a rather expensive investment for something that I can almost guarantee will fizzle out in a matter of months, if not weeks. Not to mention this just reeks of torn rotator cuffs and ACL’s. Nothing against Cirque du Soleil (I’ve been to three shows and they’re all amazing), but they should stick to what they’re good at. Which is, making music I don’t understand, and having half naked women be half naked.

I’m so sick and tired of these companies trying to pawn off these gimmicky fads (it’s impossible to “lengthen” muscles. In regards to their origin/insertion points at least.) as something revolutionary for the fitness industry. Here’s a novel idea. Buy some barbells and dumbbells, and lift them. Repeatedly. I know, I just blew your mind right?

* hahahahahahahahaha. That’s like saying Britney Spears revolutionized good parenting. Swish, and one.
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Snuffleupagus Strikes Again……and Again

From the Huffington Post:

Blame the economy?

The pricey gym Gwyneth Paltrow and trainer Tracey Anderson are opening this month in Tribeca may be having problems finding clients. A spy said Anderson – who’s also responsible for Madonna’s freakishly buff bod – and gym reps have been cold-calling people asking them to come in for a meeting. “It’s ridiculous,” said a person who was contacted. “Membership is like $4,500 to join and then hundreds of dollars a month. Who can afford that right now?”

Better yet, I’d like to know who in the hell is dumb enough to take training advice from someone who thinks there’s such a thing as an “inner bicep” muscle and names their children after pieces of fruit? I can only imagine what the sales pitch is like:

Random Patron: “Hi, I was thinking about joining your gym.”

Gwyneth Paltrow (GP): “Oh, you’ll love Snuffleupagus’ Tracy’s methods. She just has a way of figuring out how to make muscles do certain things. For example, she can make the rhomzipidus muscle shit jellybeans. It’s amazing. It’s kind of like magic. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think she was making stuff up. Hahahahaha”

Random Patron: “Um, okay. What else is included with the membership, it seems kind of expensive?”

GP: “Right, well, we offer various amenities. For starters, you get a free autographed Blu-ray of Shakespeare in Love. You also get a complimentary glass of cucumber water, a battery, and we also offer free childcare during your visit. My two little ones are there right now. Speaking of which, can you hold on a second………..

APPLE!!!! WATERMELON!!!!! If I have to come in there one more time, I swear to god I’m going to make your father sing to you till your ears bleed. Don’t think I won’t do it!”

As if opening an over-priced training studio wasn’t bad enough, a reader of my blog just sent me this link this morning from Dailymail.com:

Scarlett Johansson has enlisted the help of Gwyneth Paltrow’s personal trainer to shape up for her new film role.

The beautiful actress, who was once renowned for her hourglass curves, now does daily workouts with Gwyneth and fitness expert Tracy Anderson.

The Lost In Translation star has lost 14lbs – and at last month’s Moet & Chandon Tribute To Cinema party in London she was looking decidedly less voluptuous.

For those who missed it, let me repeat that last sentence……..SHE WAS LOOKING LESS VOLUPTUOUS. Goddamit Tracy Anderson!!!! It’s one thing to go out of your way to spread ridiculous myths like “no woman should ever lift a weight over 3 lbs,” and then try to populate this world with your army of Skeletors. That I can deal with. But when you start messing with Scarlett Johannson’s breasts, that’s where I draw the line. Why don’t you just spit on the American flag while you’re at it. I’ll take this to the United States Supreme Court if I have to. Someone get me Big Daddy Clarence Thomas on speed dial. This shit stops now.

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Blogging Update: There is no Update

Sorry I’ve been slacking on the blogging front as of late. I’m currently in the midst of searching for a new apartment, and it’s been about as much fun as a rectal exam. Needless to say it’s been taking up a lot of time and it’s not going quite as smoothly as I had hoped. I mean, like anyone in the market, I’m just looking for the perfect fit. Good neighborhood located near “stuff,” close to the subway, includes heat/hot-water, hardwood floors, and has a gold plated bathtub. You know, the basics.

Moving on, I don’t really have much to say today, but since this is a fitness blog, I’ll just leave you with an exercise you should be doing, but aren’t.

What Is It: X-Pulldowns

Who Did I Steal it From: Mike Boyle (thanks Mike!)

What Does It Do: Great way to work scapular stabilizers, as well as emphasize scapular retraction

Key Coaching Cues: Chest tall, chin tucked, keep shoulder blades pointed “down,” squeeze glutes, pull elbows down-towards the hips, make sure both feet are pointed forward.

UPDATE: Apartment search is officially over, bitches. Place is off the hook. It has running water, and a toaster! New address is

222 Rockhard Abs Boulevard

PO Box: WTFIHAVETODOMYOWNLAUNDRYNOW

Awesomeville, USA

Ladies?

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Product Review: The Parisi Warm-Up Method

Anyone who’s trained athletes, or “weekend warriors” for that matter, knows how important warming up is. In my experience, many trainees have no clue how to warm-up properly, and as a result, either dismiss it entirely or haphazardly go through a general cookie-cutter routine. Think about it- how does peddling on a bike for ten minutes followed by your standard, ho-hum hamstring stretch that you hold for 30 seconds in one position prepare you for the more dynamic nature of resistance training/sprinting/etc?

In case you couldn’t pick up on the sarcasm, it doesn’t. Thankfully, in the past few years we’ve had a handful of great products, most notably Magnificent Mobility and Inside-Out, that introduced us to the concept of dynamic flexibility. Most recently however, I came across another great product which does a fantastic job at discussing the importance of the warm-up; The Parisi Warm-Up Method.

Both Martin Rooney and Bill Parisi do a fantastic job at outlying how and why going through a proper warm-up is crucial as far as preparing athletes for running, jumping, and change of direction that takes place on the playing field. Likewise, they also recognize that for the average person who has the mobility of a batting cage, going through a dedicated warm-up/dynamic flexibility routine works wonders as far as improving basic biomotor skills such as speed, strength, power, flexibility, endurance, muscular coordination, and joint stabilization. In short, warming up is kind of a big deal.

Stuff I Liked: Superb production value. Thorough desciption of all exercises with slow motion review, as well as key points to remember/coaching cues. No cheesy porn-style music either which was a bonus. As an added incentive, there’s a detailed 10-15 minute demonstration of the coaching staff from Parisi Speed School taking their athletes through the entire warm-up, which I found very helpful.

Stuff I Disliked: Other than Martin Rooney making me feel like a girly man (the guy is a brick shit-house), there wasn’t much I didn’t like about the video. I guess I could be nit-picky and say that some (and by some I mean like 1-2) of the exercises/movements they demonstrated were a bit out-dated given some of the recent research on spinal range of motion. But like I said, that’s just being anal and it’s not that big of a deal.

All in all, I thought this was an awesome product and would highly recommend it to anyone who trains athletes and/or people who take their health/performance seriously. Check it out here.

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Miscellaneous Miscellany Monday (two days late)

Long story short: I was stranded in Indianapolis Sunday (my flight back to Boston was canceled last minute due to a faulty seal in the hatch), so I flew back early Monday morning instead. Needless to say, I’m just now able to update my blog, and since I usually start the week with a “Miscellaneous Miscellany Monday,” that’s exactly what I’m going to do. Without further ado…..

1. My trip was a blast. It’s always a great when I have the chance to hang out with friends, lift heavy shit, eat lots of dead animal flesh, and talk shop. Mike Robertson and Bill Hartman were great hosts, and their gym is the shiznit. It’s always refreshing to watch other top notch trainers do their thing, and as expected, both of them cracked a couple of knowledge bombs throughout the entire weekend. If you live in or around the Indianapolis area, be sure to check them out at I-FAST.

2. Speaking of Indianapolis, how in the hell do they have a Fogo de Chao and Boston doesn’t?

Eating there was one of the manliest things I have ever done; outside of holding a girl’s hand on a first date one time. Seriously though, how is it possible to not love a place where there are dudes walking around with 15 different cuts of meat. The premise is simple, you sit down and are handed a “coaster” that is green on one side, and red on the other.

Green = bring it on, bitch.

Red = “excuse me while I go dominate the bathroom.”

It was glorious.

3. As I mentioned a few weeks ago, I started reading The Omnivore’s Dilemma: A Natural History of Four MealsThe Omnivore’s Dilemma, and all I have to say is that I’m roughly a third of the way through it, and it’s hands down, one of the best books I’ve read in a while. Here’s what I’ve learned so far:

– Corn

– Is

– In

– Everything

4. On a related note, check out this article by Dr. Lonnie Lowery discussing why you’re an idiot if you believe that high fructose corn syrup (HFCS) is “healthy” because it’s made from corn.

5. As I mentioned earlier, I was stranded in Indianapolis on Sunday, and as a result, US Airways put me up in a hotel Sunday night. To help pass the time, I thought I would try to see if there was a gym close by to go train. Unfortunately, there wasn’t anything within a 35 minute cab ride. But I thought it was rather amusing when I asked the girl at the front desk where the local gyms were, and she responded with, “oh, do you workout?” In my defense, I was wearing a sweatshirt, so she wasn’t able to fully witness the steel pipes that are my biceps.

6. Guys who wear straps for things like seated rows are walking bags of douche. Worse still, is when they’re finished, they walk around with what can only be described as invisible water jugs under their arms (arms flared out to their sides). Wow, you’re amazing dude. Listen, I understand that wrist straps are beneficial, and allow for someone to use a weight that they otherwise wouldn’t be able to use when grip strength is the limiting factor. But jesus, is it really necessary to use them on lateral raises???????

7. A bunch of of the crew from CP are going out to see one of my favorite artists, Ryan Montbleau tonight in Harvard Square.

I don’t know what the hell happened to me. It wasn’t too long ago where all I listened to was Wu-Tang Clan and Biggie. Watch, next I’ll be watching movies like 27 Dresses and Made of Honor. Hahahahahahaha. That will be the day. No but seriously, I missed Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants on HBO last night. Goddamit!!!!!

8. Just throwing it out there. Does anyone know of anyone renting a one bedroom apartment in the Davis Square/Porter Square area starting June 1st? In what has got to be a record, I’ll be moving for the 7th time in five years in a few months, and I’m sick of Craigslist. I’ll throw in a free tub of Surge for anyone who finds me an apartment. Bonus bottle of Flame Out if my next door neighbors happen to be two hot chicks who happen to have an affinity for naked tickle fights with their windows open. I’m all about incentives.

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Off to Indy!

This is going to be really quick (but just so everyone knows, this is the third day in a row that I have blogged…..score!!!!), since I’m leaving for the weekend to visit Mike Robertson and Bill Hartman in Indianapolis. I’ll be spending most of my time at their facility, I-FAST observing and watching them train their clients/athletes.

It’s always great to be able to see what other coaches are doing in the industry, and I’m sure I’ll learn a ton. As well, I’m looking forward to getting a good lift in tomorrow with the I-FAST crew, and Bill is going to sit down with me and see if he can figure out what the hell is going on with my knees. Additionally, word on the street is that Mike has an epic dinner planned for Saturday night. Can you say dead animal flesh!?!

On an aside, I’d rather pass a kidney stone than fly. This is officially the first time I’m flying alone, and well, US Airways better have some nunchucks available to knock me unconscious. Although, I guess I’d settle for a bag of gummy bears to keep me occupied. I promise I’ll be a good boy.